Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

Pitchers and Catchers
2/60/04

I'm going to be upfront with you. I love baseball.

I love talking about it. I love watching it. I love playing it. I love talking about watching other people play it. If I wasn't raised Jewish, I'd probably convert to baseball. In fact, I spent many childhood Saturday mornings in synagogue talking about Friday's game.

People wonder why I love baseball so much. If you're one of those people, you have either never been to a game or never been to a game with a real fan. I've taken several people to their first baseball game, and they have all asked to go to their second.

Baseball is not about guys in silly uniforms running around trying to catch a ball. Baseball is an experience. In fact, that first thing sounds a bit more like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" than baseball.

You don't go to a baseball game by yourself. Baseball is community. Going to a baseball game is not just about the game itself, because for half the game the evil team is up. Baseball is about sitting back with a close friend or family member on a nice day and talking trash to the other fans.

I have been to more games with my brother than I have with anyone else, as he is half the reason I'm a baseball fan (my father being the other half). Since most of those were Mets games and most Mets games are losing efforts, we occupied ourselves by playing Points. Before each hitter, we'd predict what they were going to do and get a point if we got it right. And we'd get two points if it was a rare prediction, like the pitcher getting a hit or Rey Ordonez getting a hit. Our scores could also change based on Name that Tune, the Cap Game, the various really easy trivia quizzes and fake computerized races, and all the times my brother somehow found a way to cheat.

We all have our personal reasons to love baseball. When I was seven and the Mets won the World Series (yes, it was that long ago), I cheered with my brother. We also bonded over baseball cards and jerseys and playing catch, which I even got kind of good at. Kids like things they're kind of good at. And I know more about baseball, historically and otherwise, than you do. I like things I know more about than you do.

But the real reason we should all appreciate baseball is that it's the sport with the most incredible stories. Baseball is a modern day duel; ten paces has just been replaced with 60 feet, 6 inches.

My favorite story involves a rookie catcher trash talking Rogers Hornsby, one of the best player of all time. He was also cool because his first name was plural.

The legend says that the catcher, trying to distract Hornsby, invited him to dinner after the game, which distracted Hornsby long enough for strike one.

The catcher continued talking about what his wife would be cooking, naming all of Hornsby's favorite foods. Strike two.

The catcher then went into more mouthwatering detail, before Rogers finally glanced back at him, practically drooling, and belted the next pitch out for a home run. And as Hornsby scored, he asked, "what time should I get there?"

There are two cool things about that story. One, it makes someone named "Rogers" look bad ass. Two, "Rogers" and "Hornsby" did not show up as incorrect in my spell check. Even Microsoft Word knows how cool that story is.

I constantly write about what is wrong with the world, like Kinkos and Fox News and my not having a butt. However (or "but" if you prefer), baseball is something right. There are a lot of problems with it. Like steroids and the designated hitter and Bud Selig. But over all, it is one of the few right things I know of.

I don't collect baseball cards anymore, I haven't worn a jersey in years, and the last time I played catch was the end of my final intramural softball season. But I still love the game. And you should, too. Even if the Mets suck.

And trust me, they do.

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?