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The Column

What That Mass Email Really Said
6/12/05

Hey everyone! I decided to send you this long, impersonal email because I am self-centered and don't think about the results of my actions! I don't realize that you would rather not hear from me at all than have proof that I don't particularly care about you. I also don't care about the thirty other people I CCed, but they sure care about me. You'll know that because they'll reply-to-all for the next three days. Yay!

I don't have time to send you an individual email, because I have been watching a LOT of VH1 lately, and VH1 is more important to me than our friendship. I say it's because things at work have been busy, but I spend most of my day in the office sending email. The rest of my day is spent complaining about people who send me form letters. Oh, the irony is delicious!

Most importantly, I'm doing way better than you. That's why I'm sending this. Were I out of work and living in my uncle's garage, I would not tell you. I'm emailing you because my job and my car and my kids and my stuff is all nicer than yours, and that you should be so happy for me that I've become better than you. I also went on a long and expensive trip recently, to a place that is better than anywhere you've ever been. Maybe if I hadn't spent two months traveling, I'd have had time to write you a personal note. Though I did manage to watch a lot of VH1 while I was there. Did you know they get VH1 in Europe?

I just got a promotion. I don't know why because (as we already discussed) I am a terrible employee. But my boss thinks I'm working all the time because I stare at my screen a lot. I stay later than him, too. I send a lot of email.

I am also in love. You know how you woke up alone this morning? I didn't! I woke up in the arms of a beautiful person that I am totally in love with. In fact, it's your ex! That's right, now she's in love with me instead of you. Don't feel bad, she never really loved you. She just said she did so she could get half your stuff. By the way, I am making great use of half your stuff. That's how come my stuff is nicer than your stuff – because your best stuff IS my stuff! Thanks!

I'd be very happy if you took the time to reply personally to this. I don't really want to hear about your life, but I do need validation. A personal reply would show me that I am important to you, but mainly that you have less of a full life than I do because you have the time to send personal emails.

Signed,
Your close friend that cares about you individually only when it's convenient.

P.S. If you don't want to get these letters in the future, please let me know. I'll take you off my mailing list with no questions asked, because it's hard to ask questions to a dead man you self-important jerk who thinks he's too good for me. I can't wait to take the other half of your stuff.

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