BIO     CALENDAR     MEDIA     COLLEGE     STORE     BOOK STEVE     BLOG     PODCAST     SUBREDDIT    

FREE ALBUM DOWNLOAD
Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now

Los Angeles, CA      San Francisco, CA 8PM& 10PM      Sacramento, CA      Phoenix, AZ     
Louisville, KY      Bowie, MD      Orange County, CA      Indianapolis, IN      Seattle, WA     
Tacoma, WA      Marco Island, FL      Dayton, OH      Ottawa, ON      Toronto, ON     



The Column

Punky Brewster Scares Me
12/11/05

Even if you never watched much Punky Brewster, some internet research is enough to know that the show was really creepy.

The basic plot, for those without access to IMDB: a girl gets abandoned in a grocery store. Then an old single gentleman with a penchant for cardigans takes her home and the show was somehow intended for children. I'm not saying that Henry had ulterior motives for adopting Punky. But I'm certainly suggesting it.

What a disturbing premise. That show would never be on the air now, since we have Megan's Law. And when I was researching this column, I found this under trivia: "During the whole run of the show, Henry's bedroom is not shown." That is just a normal quote, thrown in between trivia about where Punky's dog got its name and how the sets were changed mid-season. Oh yeah - and the old single guy? We never saw his bedroom. I can only imagine how much leather was in there.

The best part of this column is that I'm taking a completely innocent show like Punky Brewster and ruining it for you.

Think I'm crazy? There are a number of lines in the theme song that make me think Henry was a long lost member of the Jackson family.

"Maybe the world is blind" could be a line about how little the world cares for the suffering of children. Or about how the world just doesn't understand the relationship a single, older man can have with a young girl. And leather.

Two lines later: "You may be lonely and then one day you're smiling again." Sure. Before Megan's Law.

And it gets even worse. "Every time I turn around, I see the girl that turns my world around." I could read TONS into this one. But I don't want to think about what Henry was doing in the same room with his back to that poor kid.

Punky Brewtser was not the only adoption show in the 1980s. Different Strokes featured an old single man adopting two boys, which would be even sketchier. Thankfully Mr. Drummond married Maggie and we knew things were okay. In fact, Different Strokes had a very special episode where the boys get kidnapped by a child molester - dealing with the issue head on. Was there any child molester episode of Punky Brewster? Nope! Unless you count all of them. I for one, do not want to see a very special episode of this sick, sick show.

My parents adopted a baby girl before I was born, and I think adoption is a wonderful thing. I'm not saying that single men should not be allowed to adopt. But when an older gentleman who lives alone and seems to really like young girls shows up at the agency in a cardigan, more red flags should go up than in the stands at a Manchester United game.

The other main adoption show on the 1980s included Alvin and the Chipmunks, a show about a single guy who adopts three chipmunks and raises them as humans. You never saw his bedroom either.

I bet I am the first person to devote this much column space to detailing the creepiness of Punky Brewster. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that a show where a lonely guy suddenly smiles at the thought of a young girl turning his world around is just icky. Maybe I'm the only one who sees it.

But maybe the world is blind.

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?