BIO     CALENDAR     MEDIA     COLLEGE     STORE     BOOK STEVE     BLOG     PODCAST     SUBREDDIT    

FREE ALBUM DOWNLOAD
Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now
"Laughs" Live! Shows:
Detroit, MI      Chicago, IL      Phoenix, AZ      Charlotte, NC      Washington, DC     
Dayton, OH      Chicago, IL      Houston, TX      Dallas, TX     


The Column

Forgetting Paris
12/26/04

A friend recently asked me if I would have sex with Paris Hilton. Not in the same kind of way my friend would ask me if I wanted to grab coffee, because I actually have a shot at grabbing coffee. She asked me hypothetically - because that's the only way I could ever have the opportunity to have sex with Paris Hilton.

So, hypothetically, I have to think about it. I don't want to give my friend an answer that is half-baked. I want to analyze the question carefully just in case I actually had to face this choice - you know, if the laws of the universe ever collapsed.

Obviously Paris Hilton is hot - if another woman who looked like her wanted to sleep with me, the answer would probably be yes. But that is not the question. The question is Paris Hilton.

First, there's the money issue. Most guys want to sleep with her because they think they can somehow come down with a case of wealth - they may come down with something else, but we'll discuss that later. When rich women sleep with regular guys, they don't also give them a million dollars. And my friend's question is not if I'd be willing to be her paid man-slave, it is if I'd be willing to have sex with her once. So money can not factor into my decision.

Maybe the parties are a reason why. If you sleep with Paris Hilton, you get to go to cool parties, right? Not necessarily. The people that sleep with her and go to cool parties would go to cool parties anyway. Rick Solomon was famous before he starred in their movie, and Nick Carter is a Backstreet Boy. Sleeping with Paris Hilton will not automatically get me into any cool parties. Though it may get me into some clinics - but we'll discuss that later.

What about the bragging rights - those have got to be worth it, right? What a story to tell! I'd be the hit of every party, even though they wouldn't be especially cool parties. What's a better story than having sex with Paris Hilton? Well, turning down Paris Hilton makes a good story, too. Plenty of guys have had sex with her. But how many have honestly turned her down?

And then, there's her pure hotness. The woman oozes sex appeal - among other things, but we'll discuss that later. No matter how much you dislike her personality, her past, or her public relations, you'd be blind to admit she's not sexy. Her hotness was confirmed when a tape of her naked became the most watched thing ever. I don't have stats to back that up, but I'm pretty sure it blew the last episode of Mash clear out of the water. For those who say that tape was spread around just because she was famous, I say "balderdash!" And then I'll explain that what balderdash means is that her fame helped the tape spread, but her hotness made it spread farther and faster. No one would have been file-sharing a greenish bootleg of Bea Arthur. Though, much like a car-wreck, I'd probably glance at it before speeding away, happy I wasn't involved.

Yes, Paris is hot - in theory. Hotness is directly tied in to how many guys a girl has already slept with. And, I'm still just speculating, but I think she's taken more hits than her website (oh, snap!).

What about her personality? I don't know her, so I just have to answer based on what she looks like in the media - which is a self-aggrandizing conceited un-feeling racist, and that makes her kind of ugly. While many people don't have to like a girl's personality to sleep with her, I only like girls who I don't want to strangle in the morning. I am, of course, just speculating.

I also promised I'd get to the possible issue of disease. While Paris probably has PR people reminding her to use protection before and while she's having sex, I'd be scared that anyone that promiscuous could be, well, oozing something other than sex appeal. Yes, I know it's gross, but so is Chlamydia.

That brings me to my well thought out answer. Having sex with Paris Hilton wouldn't lead to money or cool parties, she's not as hot as she looks, her personality seems abhorrent, she might give me the clap, and I'd have more bragging rights if I turned her down.

So, in closing, yes, I would have sex with Paris Hilton.

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?