Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

Take One Down, Pass It Around
7/208/03

What's the difference between a guy in his early twenties and the homeless? After they drink a beer, the homeless are smart enough to recycle the bottle.

I'm kidding, of course. Guys in their late teens save beer bottles, too.

It's a common occurrence to walk into a college student's room and see a collection of empty beer bottles. Sometimes this collection features one beer in particular. Sometimes it's a collection of one bottle each of several different beers. Sometimes, there's no rhyme or reason as to which bottles have been saved and which have been discarded. But one thing is always certain - the total street value of the bottles is less than eight dollars.

A beer bottle collection is probably more common than baseball cards or stamps or comic books - yet there's absolutely no market for it. Because the collections are not simply of beer bottles - they're of beer bottles that the collector finished himself. I say "himself" because girls are usually smart enough to throw away their garbage.

If a guy told his friend he collected blown glass, that guy probably wouldn't be invited to the next Super Bowl party. But if that same guy were to mention he'd saved a few thousand beer bottles, his friend would probably say, "cool, can I see?" and "want to come to my next Super Bowl party?"

But glass bottles are kind of pretty. And I don't mean in a "that matches my shoes and my bag" way. Most people agree that bottles are just classier than cans. I don't recall ever seeing anyone with a great beer can collection. Or at least with a great beer can collection on purpose.

There is a variation on the beer bottle collection - the hard alcohol bottle collection. Usually this consists of a few empty bottles of Vodka filled with water to make people think they're full bottles of vodka. Inevitably, someone sees one at a party, drinks it and thinks its vodka, and then throws up all over the carpet even though they're completely sober. Or at least that's what happened at one of my parties.

People who drink because they like the taste of beer don't put their empty beers on a shelf. Usually because these people don't exist. People who drink because it helps them feel comfortable at parties don't put their empty beers on a shelf. Usually because bright red Solo cups don't look good on a shelf. People who drink in order to forget their problems don't put their empty beers on a shelf. Usually because they can't remember where they put their empty beers or shelves. The people who save beer bottles are those that drink for sport.

Collecting beer bottles is like hunters mounting their kills. Even hunters know that a deer head on wall looks horrifically tacky. That's why hunters don't go out and buy deer heads. They're not doing it to decorate - they're doing it to brag. Try offering a hunter a free deer head (assuming you have an extra one). They'll politely turn you down before going out to kill three more deer just because they're worried you may have finished off more than they did. The same thing happens with a beer bottle collector. It's not a coincidence that the words "deer" and "beer" are spelled so similarly. And if you are the type to collect the carcass of something you vanquish, make sure to at least wash it. Especially beer bottles. Put it this way - an empty Amstel Light should never look green.

One thing I noticed about beer bottle collectors is that they rarely move their collections. Despite my not having added to it in about five years, my baseball card collection goes where I go. But that is because I built it up over my entire childhood, and not just over a few good weekends.

I used to have a lot of beer paraphernalia, but I outgrew it. Well, the girls I date outgrew it. The girls I'm interested in now appreciate having a few drinks, but they'd sooner like to see a deer head on my wall than 99 bottles of beer. Which, incidentally, is either a pretty weak collection of empty bottles or a strange way to store full ones.

For those guys reading this that are also outgrowing their beer collections, or at least meeting girls that are outgrowing their beer collections, you may be wondering what to do with all of those empty bottles. For you, I have this piece of advice:

They're worth ten cents a piece in Michigan.

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?