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The Column

Spending Wisely
8/29/04

It cost us $1.4 billion dollars to make sure that the Republican and Democratic National Conventions finish securely. I don't understand why we spent all that money to protect the people we would most like to see killed by terrorists.

These are the same two-faced jerks who risk the lives of our family members in Kabul and Baghdad and they should have been willing to risk their own in New York and Boston. $1.4 billion dollars is more than the combined salary of every American soldier serving in Iraq for an entire year. I don't think we should try to kill our politicians, but to save that kind of money, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Think about all the amazing stuff we could buy. I know we need politicians, but can't we do better? Let's take the first half of the money and genetically engineer better politicians. Politicians that can fly, and shoot laser beams out of their eyes, and when they do have extra-marital affairs, at least let it be with hot chicks. This is America! Our politicians should be hooking up with the hottest interns our colleges have to offer.

Then, let's invest 300 million dollars in our education system, because if we don't spend it on education now, we're going to have to spend it on prisons later. The number one contributing factor to crime in America is dumbass. I recently heard this great story from Arkansas (coincidence, I'm sure) where a man was arrested for robbing a convenience store while wearing a hat with his name printed on the front. If I were the cops, I'd think that was pretty convenient.

I know that 300 million dollars isn't near enough to solve all the stupidity in America, so we have to spend it wisely. We use the money to solve our education and crime problems in one master stroke. We take all our worst criminals and sentence them to the worst punishment imaginable. We send them back to high school.

What criminal in his right mind would ever risk that kind of humiliation? Solitary is nothing when you're being stuffed in a locker five days a week. You think it's tough eating prison food while ignoring your cellmate's advances? Try having Delores the lunch lady serve up a hearty portion of steak-ums, tater tots, and cigarette ash while the cool table ignores you. Anal rape got you down? How about showing up to your prom stag after spending a year's worth of lawn mowing money on a tux, limo, and flowers for some bitch who forgot she said yes to another guy.

We'll also see unprecedented graduation rates among students that draw Lester The Molester as a lab partner. There's no better incentive to pay attention in class than having your future sitting at the desk next to you.

Then there's the problems of America's farms. Do you know what farm subsidies are? That's when we pay farmers not to grow food. That makes as much sense as paying the homeless not to eat. We are paying farmers to grow less food in a world where millions of people are starving. If only there a way to solve both problems! Here's an idea: we spend 100 million buying food from the farmers and giving it to the hungry people. This also solves a third problem, by creating a world where that over-fed guilt-tripper Sally Struthers is banished from late night TV once and for all. For just the price of a cup of coffee per day, she can shut her pie hole and let me watch South Park.

And we haven't even touched gas prices. Two dollars a gallon? For that price, a tank should come with a massage and a happy ending. You know why we don't use wind and sun and water to power our cars? Because it's not profitable for Mobil. If renewable energy sources were as profitable as oil, we'd all be driving wind mills and flying solar panels while Exxon cleans our oceans instead of coloring them.

If we had god's Mastercard we couldn't make a dent in Mobil's business plan. So let's take 200 million dollars to hire one lawyer for oil company executive that makes more than me, which is every oil company executive, not to mention a good portion of the mailroom. These lawyers will fine the company $20 every time they treat the American consumer like a drunken cheerleader. And since that IS their business plan, we'll have enough money to buy the oil companies, shut them down and pursue an energy policy that – get this - makes sense. We will finally stop getting screwed by the oil companies and re-assert our constitutional right to get screwed by the government, like the founding fathers intended.

So we've only got 100 million dollars left. Let's take half of that bribe MTV to never air another episode of Newlyweds. And with the final fifty million, we go to Vegas, baby, and put our last fifty million dollars on black six. Why black six? Because George Bush would hate that. Six, being the number of times Jenna has passed out at a keg party, and black representing black people, who will not be voting for Bush in this election. I'm kidding, Colin Powell will. I'm still kidding, he's white.

Maybe we'll lose the money – if we do, we already did a lot of good with what we had. But if we happen to win, that's another $1.8 billion dollars to play with. And we'll use it to support our military, by spending it all on a team of super soldiers. But we don't use them to invade other countries - we send them to hunt down Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, and cancel those morons once and for all.

"Oh my gawd Nick, it's like, the army and stuff! Oh, I love a man in uniform."

"Bang. Bang."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you world peace.

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