See when Steve will be near you!




The Column

Spending Wisely

It cost us $1.4 billion dollars to make sure that the Republican and Democratic National Conventions finish securely. I don't understand why we spent all that money to protect the people we would most like to see killed by terrorists.

These are the same two-faced jerks who risk the lives of our family members in Kabul and Baghdad and they should have been willing to risk their own in New York and Boston. $1.4 billion dollars is more than the combined salary of every American soldier serving in Iraq for an entire year. I don't think we should try to kill our politicians, but to save that kind of money, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Think about all the amazing stuff we could buy. I know we need politicians, but can't we do better? Let's take the first half of the money and genetically engineer better politicians. Politicians that can fly, and shoot laser beams out of their eyes, and when they do have extra-marital affairs, at least let it be with hot chicks. This is America! Our politicians should be hooking up with the hottest interns our colleges have to offer.

Then, let's invest 300 million dollars in our education system, because if we don't spend it on education now, we're going to have to spend it on prisons later. The number one contributing factor to crime in America is dumbass. I recently heard this great story from Arkansas (coincidence, I'm sure) where a man was arrested for robbing a convenience store while wearing a hat with his name printed on the front. If I were the cops, I'd think that was pretty convenient.

I know that 300 million dollars isn't near enough to solve all the stupidity in America, so we have to spend it wisely. We use the money to solve our education and crime problems in one master stroke. We take all our worst criminals and sentence them to the worst punishment imaginable. We send them back to high school.

What criminal in his right mind would ever risk that kind of humiliation? Solitary is nothing when you're being stuffed in a locker five days a week. You think it's tough eating prison food while ignoring your cellmate's advances? Try having Delores the lunch lady serve up a hearty portion of steak-ums, tater tots, and cigarette ash while the cool table ignores you. Anal rape got you down? How about showing up to your prom stag after spending a year's worth of lawn mowing money on a tux, limo, and flowers for some bitch who forgot she said yes to another guy.

We'll also see unprecedented graduation rates among students that draw Lester The Molester as a lab partner. There's no better incentive to pay attention in class than having your future sitting at the desk next to you.

Then there's the problems of America's farms. Do you know what farm subsidies are? That's when we pay farmers not to grow food. That makes as much sense as paying the homeless not to eat. We are paying farmers to grow less food in a world where millions of people are starving. If only there a way to solve both problems! Here's an idea: we spend 100 million buying food from the farmers and giving it to the hungry people. This also solves a third problem, by creating a world where that over-fed guilt-tripper Sally Struthers is banished from late night TV once and for all. For just the price of a cup of coffee per day, she can shut her pie hole and let me watch South Park.

And we haven't even touched gas prices. Two dollars a gallon? For that price, a tank should come with a massage and a happy ending. You know why we don't use wind and sun and water to power our cars? Because it's not profitable for Mobil. If renewable energy sources were as profitable as oil, we'd all be driving wind mills and flying solar panels while Exxon cleans our oceans instead of coloring them.

If we had god's Mastercard we couldn't make a dent in Mobil's business plan. So let's take 200 million dollars to hire one lawyer for oil company executive that makes more than me, which is every oil company executive, not to mention a good portion of the mailroom. These lawyers will fine the company $20 every time they treat the American consumer like a drunken cheerleader. And since that IS their business plan, we'll have enough money to buy the oil companies, shut them down and pursue an energy policy that – get this - makes sense. We will finally stop getting screwed by the oil companies and re-assert our constitutional right to get screwed by the government, like the founding fathers intended.

So we've only got 100 million dollars left. Let's take half of that bribe MTV to never air another episode of Newlyweds. And with the final fifty million, we go to Vegas, baby, and put our last fifty million dollars on black six. Why black six? Because George Bush would hate that. Six, being the number of times Jenna has passed out at a keg party, and black representing black people, who will not be voting for Bush in this election. I'm kidding, Colin Powell will. I'm still kidding, he's white.

Maybe we'll lose the money – if we do, we already did a lot of good with what we had. But if we happen to win, that's another $1.8 billion dollars to play with. And we'll use it to support our military, by spending it all on a team of super soldiers. But we don't use them to invade other countries - we send them to hunt down Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, and cancel those morons once and for all.

"Oh my gawd Nick, it's like, the army and stuff! Oh, I love a man in uniform."

"Bang. Bang."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you world peace.

*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?