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The Column

Another Night Not at the Movies
2/22/04

As often as I travel, I rarely get time to see any movies in the theatre. If I've got two hours in a strange town, I'd rather spend them exploring than sitting in a theatre. And by exploring, I mean sleeping.

I also don't get much time to watch TV, though I try when I can. And when I can, I see tons of commercials that remind me why sleep can be more enjoyable than seeing movies in the theatre.

It is rare that I see a commercial for a movie and think, "I have to see that." In fact, some full previews even suck. I saw a preview for High Fidelity on a DVD recently that said John Cusak's character was a guy that had it all, but was trying to find himself. If you've ever actually seen the movie (which was great, by the way), you'd know that by "it all" they meant "anguish and self-loathing."

So perhaps I'm wrong about the following flicks. But all I know about them is what I see in the ads, and from those ads, these movies seem to have "it all."

I now present you, the reader, with another installment of "A Night Not At the Movies."

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
Oh, it's so hard being a super popular teenage girl isn't it? I mean, with all that money and all those friends. It just screams angst! And that's not even the movie – that's just the life of star Lindsay Lohan. This flick just makes me want to run out and buy the CDs of all the groups the movie advertises.

Euro Trip
Just when you thought we might be heading towards peace, here comes Hollywood to exploit more ridiculous stereotypes. Including the time-honored tradition of guys completely ignoring the hot girl being hot until they see her in a bikini. Good plot twist – because no one noticed she was hot when she was just hot. But now that she's in a bikini and hot, we understand. The commercials refer to this one as American Pie meets Road Trip. See, because American Pie also had teenagers, and Road Trip also had a trip.

Calendar Girls
Holy crap do I not want to see this. Okay, you're old and still sexual, that's great, but do NOT show me. This could be the best written, best acted movie of all time and I still would not want to see it. Sex sells, but not when it's sex with old people. Yuck.

You Got Served
Come see the underground world of guys who dance on their heads and stuff. It's bad ass, right? Except it's about GUYS WHO DANCE. You Got Served? Served what, a danish on a little doiley? Dance competitions, even in their use on Saved By the Bell, are wussy. Especially if it's a 95-minute long commercial for B2K. I'd rather buy the crap in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. At least then I'd feel like more of a man. "But mom, I need to prove myself. With a dance contest! Let me get my argyle sweater."

50 First Dates
I liked this better the first time when it was called Groundhogs Day and it was clever. Am I the only one in America who finds Drew Barrymore more annoying than hot? She was okay in Wedding Singer, but any girl that Tom Green dumps because she's unstable isn't going to get me to keep coming out to the box office. And why put "Hey Ya" in the commercial? It's a great song, but we're getting tired of it. And if you can tell me when people who liked Drew Barrymore also started listening to Outkast, I'd appreciate it. But tell me again tomorrow, because if I see this movie, I'll pray for amnesia myself.

Catch That Kid
This is a direct quote from one of the reviews: "To pay for a costly medical operation for her father, a 12-year-old expert mountaineer uses her climbing skills to break into a high-tech bank where her mother works." Can I just see some naked old people instead? What a horrible concept. There have been plenty of movies where the hero is a criminal, but not movies geared for kids. That's just great – a generation of children climbing rock walls so they can learn to break through our security systems. How did this girl learn to become an "expert mountaineer" anyway? Must have been all that popularity and angst.

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