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The Column

Glad To Be Here
7/4/04

Last July 4th, I wrote a column about how America was an okay place to be. There's a lot of crap that has happened in the past year to make some people doubt that, but I still stand by my assertion.

Some people say they want to move – that Europe or Australia or anywhere but America would be better. But I like it here. So I will honor our country this July 4th by making fun of the crap that happened everywhere else this weekend.

Let's start with Finland, where 7,000 people watched two Estonian students win Finland's seventh annual wife-carrying world championship by carrying a woman 830 feet through a pool and over hurdles in just over a minute. The champions were pumped by the crowd who loudly cheered, "why the hell are we watching this?" Okay, so the crowd really enjoyed it. But a wife-carrying world championship? I guess there are rednecks everywhere.

There are also hookers everywhere, as evident in the new policy in which the Dutch government hands out "seals of quality" for better run brothels. I can just imagine the size of the line forming to inspect them. "I don't know, these hookers aren't as clean as the ones from the last brothel we had sex in."

And while strippers aren't always hookers, I felt this would be a good time for a lovely Canadian story that involved two "dancers" attacking a third at a strip club. According to the Associated Press, the two felt the dancer had a "snooty attitude." I haven't been in that many strip clubs, but isn't that kind of the point?

Speaking of strippers, a 55-year-old German sex therapist who has been repeatedly arrested for jogging nude was just fined $750. The man argued that being naked is his civil right. That's just weird - maybe he should see a sex therapist. Actually, this guy's strategy for drumming up business is brilliant. You know much erectile dysfunction he's causing just by jogging naked?

And here's a quaint erectile dysfunction story: South Korean police arrested a man and confiscated 3,000 phony Viagra pills. Which is too bad, because the guy would have been the toast of the cell block if those pills were real.

"Ah, geez – am I really getting paroled? We're busy!"

Authorities say that people should have been tipped off to the fake Viagra because of how cheap it was. I suggest that they also notice that someone is trying to sell them sex medicine out of the trunk of a Buick.

One thing that's not cheap is a scoop of mud from England's Glastonbury music festival. The mud sold for the equivalent of $890 US on eBay, birthing the new phrase, "dirt expensive." The mud was more expensive than the standard price for a scalped ticket, making the purchase a bit curious. And reinforcing the already birthed phrase, "dirt stupid." When asked what he'd do with all the money, the mud's auctioneer said he planned on inspecting some brothels.

I know, I know. There are plenty of dumb things that happen in America, too, but we've got 364 days a year to talk about that stuff. But for all my foreign readers, there is one American story from this weekend that bears mentioning.

As if the Florida election board wasn't made fun of enough already, a list of residents who couldn't vote due to their felony convictions was released this weekend. Almost 50,000 people on it never committed a crime, making authorities scramble to fix the error. However, many of the wrongly categorized citizens have not bothered to come forward and identify themselves, confessing, "we were just going to vote for Buchanan anyway." Which, if it happened, would probably make me move.

Happy July 4th, everybody. I'm going to go practice for next year's wife carrying championships.

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?