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The Column

I Love You Guys

I have written several columns about what I hate in the world. I've written about oil companies and bar jerks and living with little to no butt. Rarely do I write a column about something I love. Of course, that's because it's usually more fun to mock stuff. Seriously, give it a shot, it's awesome.

There are, however, things in this world I love. I love baseball, and good weather, and my family most of the time. I guess I love them all of the time, but that was hard to remember during this one car trip to Baltimore we all took when I was nine. I didn't really like any of them that day. It's fair - they didn't like me much either.

One thing I've always loved is my readers. Sometimes my readers and my family are the same people, in which case I love them twice as much. Except while driving to Baltimore, in which case everything evens out.

Last week I wrote a column about how affected I was by the death of Mitch Hedberg. But I was affected more when I received over 100 e-mails, calls, IMs, and hugs wishing me comfort and consolation. I got more response to that column than anything I've ever written, probably because it was the first time I really opened up in my column since September 11th.

I wanted to write a little tribute to my readers. And not just my readers, but everyone's readers. Without them, writers wouldn't exist. Some might, but they'd just be those emo kids writing in their live journal hoping someone stumbles on it during a google search.

Writers feed off the knowledge that they're reaching people. With the exception of the two weeks I took off after graduation, I've written at least one column for the last 275 weeks, mainly because I knew people were reading them.

My readers have done some pretty cool things. They've driven hours to see shows, e-mailed me on my birthday, and bugged their student activities directors until they relented and brought me in for a show so that people who had emailed me on my birthday could then drive a few hours to see it.

Many have defended my honor against those who have sent me hatemail, participated in petitions I've supported, and voted for me in awards ceremonies. One particular instance of support was extremely cool: After I wrote a column about how off-putting Jews for Jesus can be, one reader printed out 100 copies of that column and handed it to Jews for Jesus pamphleteers.

My readers aren't always wonderful. When you point out my typos in an unedited work, well, that is annoying. When you correct my small mistakes as if I can go back in time and change my column, well, that is annoying. And when you tell me that you want to stop reading my column because it's not funny anymore but you'll give me a few more chances, well, I unsubscribe you before you get the chance. You'd know that now, but I've already unsubscribed you. But overall, I love you guys. (Said like a drunk man with his arm around friends during last call).

Often I get asked how I come up with 800 new words every single week. For me, it's not coming up with 800 that is the problem - it's limiting myself to 800. Anyone who knows me knows I always have something to say. And you people are kind enough to read it, or at least let it sit in your mailbox and make me think you're reading it.

So, thank you, readers. You make it okay to fight the oil companies and insult the bar jerks and get through life sans posterior. Because I know you're always supporting me, except those of you who I have to occasionally unsubscribe because you were mean to me. But everyone left is really swell.

Last week really was inspiring. It was the most e-mails I'd ever gotten about a column - even more than when I made fun of Fox News. And that made me realize why I do what I do. I write because there are actually people who like it. As I head into the summer after spending another year subsisting on fast food and getting into car accidents, I smile knowing that each week there are even more of you who will defend my honor against hate mail and drive to see a show and send me birthday wishes. But don't do that next week because my birthday is not until September.

Speaking of Fox News, last week they announced that the pope died a full day before he did. In response, CNN just gave Florida to Hillary.

Sorry, I just needed to mock something before I finished. I was getting a little antsy.

*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?