BIO     CALENDAR     MEDIA     COLLEGE     STORE     BOOK STEVE     BLOG     PODCAST     SUBREDDIT    

FREE ALBUM DOWNLOAD
Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now

Los Angeles, CA      Phoenix, AZ      Louisville, KY      Bowie, MD      Orange County, CA     
Indianapolis, IN      Seattle, WA      Tacoma, WA      Marco Island, FL      Dayton, OH     
Ottawa, ON      Toronto, ON      Toledo, OH      Lansing, MI     



The Column

The Blind Dating the Blind
8/22/04

There are two things that control my life right now: being a comedian struggling to get noticed and being a single guy struggling not to be single. So it made perfect sense to go on Blind Date.

If you are unfamiliar with the show, Blind Date puts couples that have either a lot or absolutely nothing in common in an SUV for seven hours and sees what happens. There's a little more to it than that, but I'm summarizing.

A friend was chosen for the show, and that convinced me to give it a shot. Why not? They would pay $100, give me a free dinner, and allow me the chance to embarrass myself in front of a much larger audience than usual. Oh, yeah, and the getting a date thing.

The first step in the process was to apply online. I sent in an e-mail with my headshot and answers to a few basic questions. My favorite was "why do you want to appear on Blind Date?" I answered, "Normally, I take dates on a seven hour drive in an SUV, but this way we could have cartoon thought bubbles." I passed the first step.

I was happy to get that far, because that means I was not average; there was something about me that they thought would make good TV. I figure the producers pick people who are either all-stars or train wrecks, but I'd rather be a train wreck than forgettable. I was called in for an interview earlier this week.

When I got to the offices, there were several other guys there. I quickly understood I was right about them wanting some train wrecks. I didn't know if that's why I was there, but it was definitely why the other guys were.

The office process was not easy. First, I had to fill out a multi-volume application, detailing my personality with the same three questions phrased differently eight times each.
1) How would your friends describe you?
2) Do you like sex?
3) Do you like how your friends describe how you like sex?

I had some trouble filling out unique answers to all the questions, which included three words I'd use to describe myself, three qualities I had, and three of my strong points. I listed "ability to make detailed lists without repeating anything" as my third strength.

While I filled out my application, I was distracted by three episodes of Blind Date they were airing in the room, and three train wrecks hoping to be on future shows.

Guy One was okay. Nice guy, all smiles, but certainly not Generic Reality Dating Show material. He was a bald school teacher in his late thirties, and he seemed shocked at everything on TV, even when they started airing the episodes a second time.

"Can you believe she just did that?!" he asked with astonishment.

"Yes I can," I said. "But the first time they showed it, I was totally caught off guard."

I said that all in my head. I don't need them typecasting me as smarmy.

Guy Two was more the reality show type - smooth talker, glass jaw, and cut arms (I know because his mesh shirt didn't have sleeves). And he called a friend to help him fill out the application. The entire application. The entire seven page application.

"Hey, Jim? What do I look for in a girl? And give me three words for how much I like sex."

Guy Three seemed harmless, until he spoke. Because when he spoke, he asked me to spell "Ralph."

"What, like the grocery store?" I asked, assuming he worked there, while also fearing it could be his first name.

"No, like Macchio," which he then also asked me to spell.

Guy Three was writing that he looked like Ralph Macchio. Odd, since I didn't know Ralph Macchio was a 200-pound Hispanic guy with a shaved head and a goatee.

After two hours, I finally interviewed. They wanted me to talk about sex a lot more than I wanted to, and they made me stand in a very unnatural position (they said it looked better on camera). Overall, I think I came across well, looking for an intelligent conversationalist with an accurate self-opinion and a body like Jessica Rabbit. Hey, they asked.

I haven't heard back if I made the show, so whether I'm an all-star or a train wreck remains to be seen. But I can take solace in what I learned from applying: The competition at the comedy clubs may be fierce, but I'm not as scared as I used to be by my competition in the dating pool.

Insert witty cartoon thought bubble here.

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?