BIO     CALENDAR     MEDIA     COLLEGE     STORE     BOOK STEVE     BLOG     PODCAST     SUBREDDIT    

FREE ALBUM DOWNLOAD
Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now

Los Angeles, CA      Sacramento, CA      Phoenix, AZ      Louisville, KY      Bowie, MD     
Orange County, CA      Indianapolis, IN      Seattle, WA      Tacoma, WA      Marco Island, FL     
Dayton, OH      Ottawa, ON      Toronto, ON      Toledo, OH      Lansing, MI     



The Column

They Call it Super for a Reason
2/1/04

From 6:00 until 9:00 on Super Bowl Sunday, you really ought to be watching the Super Bowl. Or at least be standing in a room where other people are.

For many of you, this is preaching to the choir. Which I always thought was a funny expression. That's supposed to mean that you're telling something to people who already know it. But the choir is good at singing, and not all singers are good listeners. Maybe the choir doesn't already know what you're saying because they weren't listening, what with all the time they have to concentrate on singing. So maybe this isn't preaching to the choir.

For many of you, this is preaching to the people who already know what the preacher is going to say. But rumor has it that some of you do not watch the Super Bowl. I know, that's crazy talk. But it's true. There are people left in America, however few, that do not watch the Super Bowl. Or (gasp) the Super Bowl commercials.

The main argument against the Super Bowl is that some people just aren't sports fans. This would be a valid argument if the Super Bowl had anything at all to do with sports. The team I've been pulling for in the game has lost four of the last five years. One of those teams was my favorite – the New York Giants (they have not been a football team since). But I had a great time watching the game. Because no one watching the game actually cares about the game.

I have watched many World Series, Stanley Cup, and NBA Finals games by myself. I have never watched a Super Bowl with fewer than 15 people. Well, I did when I was a kid, but I always wanted my parents to change that. The Super Bowl is such a community event, I was even willing to hang out with my parents friends for the game.

The Super Bowl is about togetherness. And nachos. Lots of nachos. They go together with nacho toppings. See? Togetherness. And soda and beer and pizza and wings and all kinds of food that is unhealthy for you because no matter what you eat you'll be smaller than a lineman.

The Super Bowl is about togetherness. And commercials. Lots of commercials. Commercials so good or bad that you discuss them together with your friends. See? Togetherness. I'm still laughing at the E-Trade commercial with the dancing monkey from three years ago. I have never needed to trade online, but if I did, I would use E-Trade because they have a dancing monkey.

The Super Bowl is about togetherness. And gambling. Lots of gambling. Together with other people at the party that you may or may not know. See? Togetherness. My favorite is the grid pool, where I arbitrarily put down a dollar to bet on the final digits of the score. I have never won a grid pool. But I always play it because it's fun and I don't know when enough is enough.

I actually am a football fan and I try to watch every down (play, for those of you not in the choir). But I am more of a fan of how much fun watching a game can be with a ton of people. I am a fan of anything that can bring that ton of people together for nachos, commercials, and gambling. I guess that also makes me a fan of the midnight buffet on a cruise ship, but if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

It's true that some togetherness can be bad. A widely circulated statistic is that Super Bowl Sunday sees more domestic violence than any other day. That's true. But it is not the Super Bowl's fault. On Christmas a few year's back, a baseball player named Bobby Chouinard held his wife at gun point because she didn't want to go out and get more beer. Is that Christmas' fault? No, that's Bobby Chouinard's fault. He'd be a jerk without Christmas. He'd be a jerk without the Super Bowl. He'd be a jerk without marriage, too, just to someone else.

Comedian Marc Maron recently called the Super Bowl a free day, where non-Super Bowl people can roam the earth unencumbered by Super Bowl trappings. And as often as I usually agree with him, I don't here. See, I really love nachos.

As a Jew, I used to think Christmas was my free day. I used it to walk around empty streets and movie theatres and Chinese restaurants. But this year I went to a Christmas party. I didn't celebrate the holiday at all, I just went to a party. And I had a GREAT time. Because I was together with some friends and that's what mattered. Also, they had nachos. I was thinking that if only they could add commercials and a grid pool to Christmas, I'd be there every year.

I'm not asking anyone to be a football fan. Or even care that the Patriots are going to win by four or so points. I'm just asking people to go to a friend's house and watch a bunch of silly men run around while you are surrounded by people you enjoy.

But don't watch the half time show because that usually sucks.

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?