Instructions on how to redeem tickets to The Your Tour.


The Column

My Letter to Me

Dear Steve,

I love your column. But this week's sucked. Seriously, it was awful. It was the worst thing I ever read. I hate you for sending it to me. If I ever see you, I'm going to gouge your eyes out with a melon baller. But really, I love your column. Just thought you should know.

Well, I usually love your column. Sometimes, you spell one word wrong and that error prevents me from enjoying it. Even though I clearly knew what you meant because I am the one who corrected you. Steve, the whole reason I subscribe to your column is that I am too lazy to pick up a paper where it runs with the benefit of an editor. I do want the raw version of the column, but a misspelling? Come on, Steve, you owe me more than that! After all, I am the same person who sent you an email three years ago that said this same thing. Don't you remember?

You used to be funnier, too. You used to write perfect columns every single week and now you've gotten terrible. I don't ever remember disliking one out of your hundreds of columns before now because everything that happened in the past is better than the present. Except for when I wrote you a similarly worded email three years ago. That time I didn't like it either. But I've forgotten about that completely, even though I am still upset at you for simply saying thank you and not addressing why I didn't like that particular column.

Speaking of which, that email also asked you questions that were clearly addressed in previous columns. How come you simply thanked me for writing to you and haven't addressed those questions? I am a loyal reader! I read your column every week! Except for the ones which would have answered my questions.

I also asked you to read my hastily written blog and forward it to the editors of Maxim. I heard you used to write for them several years ago. Why haven't you helped me yet? I am clearly too lazy to help myself, so I really need your help. I am also too lazy to spell check my blog, but I need everything you send me to have no typos or my head will explode. Oh, and when I asked you for help in becoming a professional writer, that book you suggested I read was way too long. What, do you really think I'm serious about this profession? I want to be successful, not work. Yeesh.

By the way, your hyphen came out as an odd looking character on my web browser. That is clearly your fault.

You really are slipping. Do you remember that one column you wrote that applied to me more than the others? Why can't you repeatedly send that same one out every week? Or if you can't do that, I have an idea - why don't your write a column about me and my friends? We have many zany antics that are extremely zany and filled with zaniness. My blog about them bores people to tears, but I bet you could find something funny and universally appealing. Wait, this isn't going to be in your column, is it? Oh, I'm so wasted.

You've also gotten too bitter. I don't think it's funny when you attack things. Except if you attack things I don't like. That's awesome. But when you compliment things I don't like, you've gotten soft. You bitter softee, you.

I'm not sure why I still read your column, considering how bitter and soft you are. And how you never write about me specifically, though I hope you don't write about this. And how you haven't helped me even though I am clearly unwilling to help myself. And how you ignore my questions just because I've ignored your answers. And how I think you used to be funnier, until you write a column I find funny again, and then every week thereafter I think you used to be funnier. Sometimes, I think I'd unsubscribe from your column if I could just read the directions how. See, I can't read English. Except if I'm correcting you. Then I'm awesome at it.

But most importantly, I just wanted to say keep up the good work. Except for this week's column, which was terrible. You obviously wrote it just for you.

Your Biggest Fan

*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?