Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now
"Laughs" Live! Shows:
Detroit, MI      Chicago, IL      Phoenix, AZ      Charlotte, NC      Washington, DC     
Dayton, OH      Chicago, IL      Houston, TX      Dallas, TX     

The Column

A Night Not at the Movies

There’s a large part of America blanketed by snow right now, and a larger part that’s just freaking cold. So it would follow that indoor activities would be given a greater emphasis, since people are only outside while going from one inside to another. What doesn’t follow, however, is that all the movies out suck.

There are no movies I want to see right now, with the exception of the new Bond flick, and that’s just because I want to see every new Bond flick. With a Bond movie, you know it’ll be bad, but it will at least be fun. Which is half an accurate description for everything else out there.

Rather than go see these awful movies and tell you what I thought of them, I decided to just tell you what I think of them now (with a little help from I save a few bucks, I don’t ruin the ending since I never actually saw it, and I get to invent a lot of crap and then make fun of it. It’s perfect for everyone.

I now present you with Movie Reviews of A Bunch of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing.

Maid in Manhattan
This is the touching story of Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes finding love through a series of intricate lies. Lopez plays Marisa, a beautiful and well-educated maid, who has dozens of resourceful and clever maid friends. They are all just resourceful and clever enough to be maids. Also, they’re sassy. Fiennes is millionaire playboy Christopher Marshall, who has made all of his money through his uncanny ability to be easily duped. It is one thing to ask your audience to suspend their disbelief, but this is ridiculous. Part of the promo says that it’s the best romantic comedy since Pretty Woman. No – it’s the best romantic comedy about a girl without rent money falling in love with a millionaire since Pretty Woman. And that’s just because it’s the first. It is probably more believable that a guy will fall for an LA hooker than for a New York chambermaid. I’ve seen LA hookers and I’ve seen New York chambermaids, and you can guess which one Jennifer Lopez more closely resembles.

Treasure Planet
The folks from Disney drive up to the descendants of Robert Louis Stevenson with a truckload of money asking to buy both the rights to Stevenson’s classic story and all of their dignity. Sorry, that’s “The Making of Treasure Planet.” In the actual “Treasure Planet,” a gang of lovable, marketable creatures go on an incredible journey through mall displays and happy meals to find the true meaning of commercial tie-ins. The story follows teen shipmate Jim Hawkins through his travels as a cabin boy on a space cruiser. Boy, that’s something we can all relate to. Jim befriends the ship’s charismatic cyborg cook (haven’t we all), who turns out to be planning a mutiny. Perhaps he’ll attack the bastards who wrote this drivel.

Santa Clause 2
Tim Allen is back as that regular guy who was forced to give up his life and become Santa Claus, but this time, there’s a twist. See, Santa has to get married by a certain time or the world blows up, or they kill his elves, or maybe he just stops getting pestered by his parents, but there’s a reason. Oh, and there’s hijinx. A LOT of hijinx. So much hijinx that the studio didn’t bother with an original concept that could go wrong. Instead, they went with one that is proven to suck.

Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights
Perhaps the first ever Chanukah movie, Eight Crazy Nights is very proud of containing a new version of the Chanukah Song. Because we hadn’t heard enough of the last few. Adam Sandler does have the potential to be really funny, as evidenced by his first CD. But he also has the potential to suck, as evidenced by his last CD. So which Sandler do we see in Eight Crazy Nights? Whichever one it is, it thinks that a new version of the Chanukah Song is a good thing, so we shouldn’t trust it with our $9.

Extreme Ops
A few extreme friends take an extreme vacation in the Austrian Alps, only to discover that they’re sharing the mountain with terrorists. Now they’ve got to use all their extremeness to get to safety and warn the world of the extreme danger. In the meantime, they have more than one extreme run in with the extreme terrorists and the battle scenes are extreme. Extremely extreme. Of course the good guys win and the bad guys lose, thanks in part to the sheer (and extreme) ingenuity of the good guys. Apparently, they brought along some maids.

*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?