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The Column

A Night Not at the Movies
12/8/02

There’s a large part of America blanketed by snow right now, and a larger part that’s just freaking cold. So it would follow that indoor activities would be given a greater emphasis, since people are only outside while going from one inside to another. What doesn’t follow, however, is that all the movies out suck.

There are no movies I want to see right now, with the exception of the new Bond flick, and that’s just because I want to see every new Bond flick. With a Bond movie, you know it’ll be bad, but it will at least be fun. Which is half an accurate description for everything else out there.

Rather than go see these awful movies and tell you what I thought of them, I decided to just tell you what I think of them now (with a little help from imdb.com). I save a few bucks, I don’t ruin the ending since I never actually saw it, and I get to invent a lot of crap and then make fun of it. It’s perfect for everyone.

I now present you with Movie Reviews of A Bunch of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing.

Maid in Manhattan
This is the touching story of Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes finding love through a series of intricate lies. Lopez plays Marisa, a beautiful and well-educated maid, who has dozens of resourceful and clever maid friends. They are all just resourceful and clever enough to be maids. Also, they’re sassy. Fiennes is millionaire playboy Christopher Marshall, who has made all of his money through his uncanny ability to be easily duped. It is one thing to ask your audience to suspend their disbelief, but this is ridiculous. Part of the promo says that it’s the best romantic comedy since Pretty Woman. No – it’s the best romantic comedy about a girl without rent money falling in love with a millionaire since Pretty Woman. And that’s just because it’s the first. It is probably more believable that a guy will fall for an LA hooker than for a New York chambermaid. I’ve seen LA hookers and I’ve seen New York chambermaids, and you can guess which one Jennifer Lopez more closely resembles.

Treasure Planet
The folks from Disney drive up to the descendants of Robert Louis Stevenson with a truckload of money asking to buy both the rights to Stevenson’s classic story and all of their dignity. Sorry, that’s “The Making of Treasure Planet.” In the actual “Treasure Planet,” a gang of lovable, marketable creatures go on an incredible journey through mall displays and happy meals to find the true meaning of commercial tie-ins. The story follows teen shipmate Jim Hawkins through his travels as a cabin boy on a space cruiser. Boy, that’s something we can all relate to. Jim befriends the ship’s charismatic cyborg cook (haven’t we all), who turns out to be planning a mutiny. Perhaps he’ll attack the bastards who wrote this drivel.

Santa Clause 2
Tim Allen is back as that regular guy who was forced to give up his life and become Santa Claus, but this time, there’s a twist. See, Santa has to get married by a certain time or the world blows up, or they kill his elves, or maybe he just stops getting pestered by his parents, but there’s a reason. Oh, and there’s hijinx. A LOT of hijinx. So much hijinx that the studio didn’t bother with an original concept that could go wrong. Instead, they went with one that is proven to suck.

Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights
Perhaps the first ever Chanukah movie, Eight Crazy Nights is very proud of containing a new version of the Chanukah Song. Because we hadn’t heard enough of the last few. Adam Sandler does have the potential to be really funny, as evidenced by his first CD. But he also has the potential to suck, as evidenced by his last CD. So which Sandler do we see in Eight Crazy Nights? Whichever one it is, it thinks that a new version of the Chanukah Song is a good thing, so we shouldn’t trust it with our $9.

Extreme Ops
A few extreme friends take an extreme vacation in the Austrian Alps, only to discover that they’re sharing the mountain with terrorists. Now they’ve got to use all their extremeness to get to safety and warn the world of the extreme danger. In the meantime, they have more than one extreme run in with the extreme terrorists and the battle scenes are extreme. Extremely extreme. Of course the good guys win and the bad guys lose, thanks in part to the sheer (and extreme) ingenuity of the good guys. Apparently, they brought along some maids.

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