Instructions on how to redeem tickets to The Your Tour.


The Column

You Can't Stop the Rain

God, if you're listening, and I know you are because that's what you do for a living, you've got to chill with this rain stuff. Sure, it was funny at first. For a while, we were all waking up, looking out the window and thinking, "oh, that's cute, it's raining again." But it's getting old, man. We get the point. It's wet. Move on. At this point, even frogs or locusts would be alright.

It has been raining pretty constantly in most parts of the country, even though it's late June. Which makes sense because winter was two months longer than it should have been. I get the feeling that God overslept, and woke up in March thinking it was still January. By that logic, May was March and June is April - explaining why there have been more washouts this month than premiere season on UPN.

As I've written before, the typical problem with good weather is Ugly Fat Hot Day. That's the first warm day of each year, where everyone, regardless of body-type, wears skimpy clothing. And while some people may enjoy sitting next to a large man on the subway separated by nothing more than a washcloth, I'm not a fan of this practice. Thankfully, as the weather stays nice, people remember who is allowed to wear a tube top and who isn't. That guy on the train definitely isn't.

But this year, we've had one or two good days followed by weeks of cold and rain, making the first nice day of every month Ugly Fat Hot Day. And thus, even when the warm sun feels wonderful against your skin, your eyes are still killing you.

There are some pluses to all this rain. Weathermen must have it pretty easy.

"Today's forecast calls for, I don't know, rain? Back to you, Skip."

There are also a lot of baseball games being rained out, which force doubleheaders, a practice that has been all but lost in the last 10 years. And there is nothing I enjoy more than spending the day at a ballpark, watching two games - in the rain.

Of course, I can't afford to go to the ballpark anymore because of the rising price of my laundry. I'm used to washing t-shirts and shorts this time of year. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to wash jeans, t-shirts, sweaters, and soaking wet socks? I do, because I've been doing it for the last eight months.

The worst side effect of this whole thing is how easy it has become to initiate a conversation. My ability to approach anyone and start talking used to give me an advantage, but now that's been neutralized. What good is being able to crack a clever joke about any situation when some clod with an umbrella can do just as well with, "what's with this weather?"

Last spring, New York had a drought. The drought was so bad that lawns were left unsprinkled, sidewalks were not hosed down, and diners made you specifically ask for water. This year, lawns don't need to be sprinkled, sidewalks don't need to be hosed down, and the diners are pushing water like it's yesterday's meatloaf.

"The soup today is split pea, and our special is roasted chicken. But you should really try the water. It's only in season for another two months."

With all this rain, it is no wonder that the world is in such disarray. Rain has been known to cause depression, a word that can also describe our current financial problems. We're also dealing with new diseases, wars, and rising unemployment. And that last one leads to a an increase in the number of people who move back in with their parents, which can't be good for anyone. Annie told us that the sun will come out tomorrow. But that's a hard to believe when the forecast has been calling for rain since March. Especially for those of us who can no longer afford to bet our bottom dollar (see wallet, mine). It's appropriate that the phrase most commonly used to describe global tensions is "world climate." Because today's forecast calls for, I don't know, rain?

I do not write this to depress anyone - I'm just saying that it would be a lot easier to deal with everything around us if we could do it from the beach or a park or even walking to work without an umbrella. Spring is my favorite season, and it hasn't happened yet this year. The thing that worries me most is that we won't even have a late spring - we'll just skip it entirely. It's supposed to be 90 degrees in much of the country next week. 90! But that's alright - it will probably rain again next weekend.

Back to you, Skip.

*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?