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The Column

You Might Be a Redneck
5/22/05

In the last year, Comedy Central has taken to airing "Blue Collar" programming much of the week. And let me say it's about time. Hoowee, I can't get enough hick jokes.

The Blue Collar Comedy tour really spoke to me as an American. I've been telling my hunting buddies for years that we have free speech in this country so they should shut up about it. Or maybe David Cross said that. I saw this one thing he did where he started his routine in a barely understandable drawl and talked about how he loved guns. Then he started talking all educated, and I shut it off.

As an American, it's my right to fear and attack people different than me, and it's about time someone in a flannel shirt with no sleeves said so. Git-R-Done! I don't know exactly what that means, but other people are yelling it, so I will, too!

I'm glad, as an average American, I don't live in a major city. Even though the 2000 census said that more than three quarters of Americans live in urban areas, I don't believe that because the census was done by the government, and the government is out to get you. Unless it's run by a good ol boy like me. George Bush is a good ol boy, right? That stuff about him growing up rich and going to some fancy college is just propaganda from the left-wing media.

That damned left-wing media controls everything. If it weren't for Fox News and MSNBC, sometimes CNN, and the WWE, us real Americans would have nothing to watch. Thank the lord that Comedy Central has finally given us weekend blocks of the programming that we, as typical Americans, must want.

Even though I am afraid of technology and change and original thought, I am happy that cable allows me to watch these things from my town. I don't want to have to move to some Yankee city like Atlanta or Nashville. I am proud to be where I am - sucking down six packs, ignoring my wife, and subsisting on a diet of gravy and ranch dressing that will make sure I don't see my son grow up to be as ignorant as I am. Not that even I'd realize the irony. Git-R-Done!

I am glad that I don't know that Larry the Cable Guy's real name is Dan Whitney, and that he's from the Midwest, and not the South. He says he picked up his accent when he moved to Florida, though I'm glad I've never heard him talk off camera because then I'd know it wasn't really his accent. I am especially glad not to know that Dan's first bunch of characters also included a gay man and an old Jewish lady, but Larry was the one typical Americans like me responded to.

There is one thing that annoys me about that tour. Ron White, the gentleman in the suit with the whiskey and the cigar (pronounced CEE-gar) keeps saying smart things with clever punch lines that I haven't heard other people say. It's almost like they put him on that tour just so the smarter people in the room wouldn't get bored when Larry told jokes making fun of black people. I like it better when the other fellers tell jokes I've known since before they started doing comedy. Those jokes are familiar. Like my life, since I never challenge myself. That's the fun part about being a typical American - my laziness is celebrated now!

I also like Bill Engvall. I just can't get enough jokes about how men do dumb things and wives are demanding. But my favorite one is Larry. He tells the truth, and speaks his mind. Even though he speaks it in a voice that's not his own, and he told Newsweek that the majority of his material is fabricated. But a guy like me would never read Newsweek, and if someone showed me a copy, I'd say it was lies and blame it on the liberal media. Git-R-Done!

I'm okay with the network's assertion that anyone who grew up in a rural area or has a job that involves manual labor is a moron. After all, I'm too stupid to understand the inadvertent social commentary behind those jokes. And I'm not just okay with it, I think it's hi-larious! And though the phrase Blue Collar should insult me coming from people with private jets and mansions, I don't think that far ahead. If I did, I could see those punch lines coming, too.

So bring it on, Comedy Central! Us typical Americans want to see more marathons of Blue Collar Comedy! And while you're at it, can you get rid of that Jon Stewart guy? Anyone in a suit scares me.

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