BIO     CALENDAR     MEDIA     COLLEGE     STORE     BOOK STEVE     BLOG     PODCAST     SUBREDDIT    

FREE ALBUM DOWNLOAD
Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now

Los Angeles, CA      Phoenix, AZ      Louisville, KY      Bowie, MD      Orange County, CA     
Indianapolis, IN      Seattle, WA      Tacoma, WA      Marco Island, FL      Dayton, OH     
Ottawa, ON      Toronto, ON      Toledo, OH      Lansing, MI     



The Column

Post Halloween Wrap-Up
11/6/05

Two years ago, I was in State College for Halloween. That was the year of my "Every Freakin Girl on Campus" costume, when I walked around Penn State with angel wings, cat ears, and a pitch fork. Not to mention the t-shirt that read, "Every freaking girl on campus."

Last year, I ended up in a motel in Louisiana. You know, the kind of motel where killers get rooms. Which is great, because the limited cable always seems to have a movie where someone gets killed in a motel. But when I heard a loud knock at my door, it was not a murderer. Just a kid in a costume and a woman on a campaign for the worst mother of the year award. No one unwilling to spend $10 extra to stay in a place without cigarette stains in the tub keeps their broken bureau drawer stocked with candy. Spring for a cab and take the kid somewhere he won't get killed. And somewhere people distributing treats are more prevalent than those turning tricks.

This Halloween, I was in Los Angeles, and I intended to stock my apartment with chocolate. Of course I forgot to buy any, which didn't turn out so bad since I didn't get a single trick-or-treater. I live in West Hollywood, an area that is a fusion of out-of-work actors, flamboyantly gay men, and flamboyantly gay out of work actors. I'm not sure if I had no visitors because my neighborhood doesn't have many kids or because parents knew none of us were likely to have candy. Or because everyone was busy trick-or-treating in Shreveport.

It was also the first Halloween night that I performed. I did stand-up at a bar in Universal Studios, where tons of people came in costume and it was coincidentally Halloween. People play dress-up daily in LA, so Halloween is just an excuse to get a little fancier. It's like wearing a tux to work in a nice office. Sure, it's a little out of place. But it doesn't stand out as much when the rest of the world is wearing tuxes to Walmart.

Some of the costumes were good, but most were downright ridiculous. So I'd like to start what could be an annual thing - reviewing the costumes of people much more into Halloween than I am.

Sexy Mundane Job Girl:
Take a Home Depot smock or a McDonalds shirt, make a few cuts, and poof - you have a great way to tell your parents that they should be expecting a grandkid in a few months. You know, a few days after the wedding.

Guy Dressed as The Crow:
Oh, you're so dark and disturbed that you came dressed as a character from a movie that most people forgot about. You dress as The Crow on November 15th, I'll give you dark and disturbed. On Halloween, you're just a guy who owns black pants.

Girl Who Just Wears a Bra:
You couldn't come up with a way to be Sexy Mundane Job Girl, so you're just Sexy Mundane Girl. Good for you, you have a flat stomach. It must make up for your complete lack of personality.

Guy Who Shows Up With Girl Who Just Wears a Bra:
I have to hand it to you, you have guts. Going to a party or a bar with your girlfriend dressed like that is like driving a Mercedes into Compton, tossing the keys on the hood, and standing around to see what happens. "Go ahead, man, take it. See what I do."

Girl Who Doesn't Dress Up, and Then Wishes She Did To Fit In
So you decided to be bold this year and buck the costume trend, until you saw how much fun your friends were having. And then you buckled and made one up as if you planned it the whole time. "I'm dressed as a, um, uh, um, sad sad girl with no conviction of character." Yes. Yes you are.

Guy Who No One Knows What the Heck He Is:
You throw on a bathrobe and penny loafers and you get upset when no one can figure out your costume. I saw a guy dressed like this and the only guess I had was that he came as a (language edited to allow column to run in family newspapers) head.

Girl Who Buys a Pre-Made Costume:
It's not creative to come as Rainbow Brite if you thought of it at a costume sale. You bought the outfit, so what are the odds that you're the only one? If you think showing up in the same dress to a party is bad, try having it be blue satin and accompanied with a red wig. "No, of course I'm not Rainbow Brite, too. I'm, um, Hooker Annie."

Guy Who Takes Delight in Mocking Others Instead of Dressing Up:
That guy is awesome.

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?