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The Column

Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
9/8/02

I receive no fewer than 3,472 pieces of junk mail every day. Maybe a little fewer, but it's got to be close.

I can't use my e-mail's automatic junk filter because it deletes normal e-mails. I get sports news sent to me, and filters never let me read anything about Gaylord Perry or Paul Assenmacher.

So I manually delete all of my junk mail. It doesn't take very long, and it's not so difficult. But it's not much fun either, so I've been searching for better things to do with it. And though I won't always have enough time to respond to it, I decided to pick one message and reply. I hope the fine folks at Nameless 3-Year Proven Program, Incorporated appreciate my e-mail exactly as much as I appreciated theirs.

Stop Searching and Start Earning Immediately!

If someone on your list was a detective, I don't think this would work.

RIGHT NOW, Can You Honestly Say That You Are Earning a Strong Monthly Income?

Yes. Would I be honest if I say that I am earning a strong monthly income? No. You see, those are two different questions. And I'm supposed to trust you to be smart enough to guarantee my financial future.

How would it feel to have the extra cash to spend on things you want instead of saving for things you need?

Not so good. I'd like to spend my money on things I want IN ADDITION to spending it on things I need. I have creaky stairs that I need to fix. I also want to buy a big screen TV. If I carried my big screen TV up my creaky stairs, I would die. So the answer to your question is “it would feel bad.”

If You Are Serious About Earning Secure Income Right Now!

Questions end with question marks, not exclamation points. Like this one: what's with capitalizing the first letter of every word? This is not a headline. Your poor grammar is making me favor the “Whiten your teeth now!” email still sitting in my inbox. But since I am in search of a Strong Monthly Income, I will look through this further.

Look No Further

I feel so torn.

3-Year Proven Program sweeping the Nation!

Yes, it's all the rage. The kids today, all they can talk about is this three-year proven program. I just bought my nephew a three-year proven program lunch box. What's the program again?

No Experience Required!

Deal - none offered.

Work Your Own Hours, Be Your Own Boss!

As my own boss, would I shoot myself a nasty glare whenever I wasn't looking, or make myself stay late because I caught myself shooting myself a nasty glare? Ow, my head hurts.

Complete Turn Key E-Commerce Consulting Business!

Perhaps some experience would come in handy after all. And maybe a map to what the hell you just said.

We provide the tools, the software and

Wait, I don't have to bring any tools or software to work? Man, this does beat my old job. But what is the “and” for? I may be in search of a Strong Monthly Income, but I can't take this kind of suspense!

We are a Real Business Opportunity, with a Real Product, thru a Real Company with both Real Sales and Marketing Support.

I'm going to ignore your use of “thru,” and just be thankful at how “Real” you are. My last job was all a sham. There was a set that looked like an office and there were even actors pretending to be my colleagues and superiors. I stayed there for two weeks before I realized it was all an elaborate ruse just to make me except a paycheck for providing goods and or services. No way - not this guy!

A Proven Can't Miss System!

It'd have to be to find it's way on to lunch boxes! And you still haven't told me what that “and” referred to. I really don't like suspense.

Earn Hundreds, even Thousands Part Time

I don't know about this Part Time stuff. Are any of your Real Positions at your Real Company open Full Time?

Earn Thousands, even Tens of Thousands Full Time

Ahh, that's more like it. Now, if I read that correctly, you're saying I could make more than a thousand dollars EACH year? Maybe even ten thousand dollars? Do you know how far above the poverty line that is? Heck, with that kind of cash, I could fix one of my stairs and still afford to eat a few times each week!

The Choice is Yours! Continue to do the same thing with the same results or use a Proven System!

My choice, huh? Why didn't you say so in the first place?

CLICK HERE FOR FREE INFO!

No.

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