Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
12/341/03

Did you know that Felicity went back in time? That's right – the bright-eyed girl whose New York City coming of age story the WB inflicted upon us decided to time travel in the fifth year of the series. I know, I'm shocked, too. I still have no idea how that show could have lasted five years.

I watched half an episode once. It was one of those moments involving a female friend that I was probably trying to date at the time and her persistence that I not pre-judge something simply based on the over 400 commercials I'd seen for it. So one Wednesday night, I ventured to her suite and sat and watched, partially due to the lure of free food and future dates. And after watching a half-hour of half-baked plot and half-assed dialogue, I could take no more.

Noel, or Ben, or NoelBen, or whoever the hell Felicity was dating and yet simultaneously not dating at the time, was explaining to his roommate how he was still in love with Felicity, even though she had walked out on him or blocked him on Instant Messenger or ran over his cat or some such nonsense. "But I still like her," BenNoelBen said. And the roommate responded with the only true piece of dialogue the show had ever seen.

"Only idiots like Felicity."

It was at that point I said, "amen," and left the room. And I know that this is going to get me hatemail from people who just love an unrealistic teen drama brought to you by the network responsible for keeping Sister Sister on the air. But before you write me angry letters filled with alternating capitalization and several incorrect uses of the apostrophe, please finish reading this column. I can assure you that by the end of it, I will both adequately explain my point and predictably end up dating Ben. Unless its sweeps week, in which case I will time travel and fix it.

I learned about the time traveling thing this week. While visiting my friend Melissa at her sorority house, I stumbled upon the TV room, where she and some of her sisters were watching the Felicity DVD. The bonus features of which include Keri Russell's Felicity talking about how much she loved going to NYU, before the school told the WB they can't shoot there and they should screw off. My alma matter, Columbia, told the WB the same thing, though I'm guessing they didn't end the sentence with a preposition.

Felicity ended up at UNY--the University of New York—a fictionalized version of NYU that she attended with at least seven other students. And I, in turn, ended up having to defend my anti-Felicity position to a portion of Melissa's sorority, which has more people than the student body of UNY.

I pointed out that the conversation I witnessed between BenNoelNoelNoelBenNoel and his roommate took place in an apartment the size of Giants Stadium. In New York, apartments are usually much smaller. My apartment, for instance, is so small that Superman routinely uses it to change.

They told me that to enjoy the show, I needed to suspend my disbelief when it came to the set. Just like I had to, for instance, when Felicity time traveled in the final season.

"When she what?"

Apparently, the show finished after four seasons, wrapped up into a nice little package that anyone who'd ever seen one commercial for the series could have seen coming. Felicity and Ben got together. Yay. Yeehah. Yipee. Everyone was happy, especially the people who never had to watch the show again. But then the show was renewed for six more episodes. Suddenly, the writers needed some more drama to goad viewers into watching, and Ben having an affair with Paco, the poor yet striking cabana boy was out of the question. So the writers invented a way for Felicity to get with Noel, too. How could that be possible? Time travel, of course.

But it would be ridiculous for Felicity to have access to an actual time machine. So instead she found a witch who helped her go back in time so she could date Noel. MUCH more believable.

If you like Felicity, I won't try to stop you. That's your decision/guilty pleasure/inherent character flaw. I will not question why anyone watches it, or even buys a DVD with bonus features. I will, however, be shocked and appalled when someone is surprised that I don't like it, too. As NoelNoelNoelyBenBen's roommate said, "only idiots like Felicity." And I may watch Sportscenter six times a day, but I am no idiot.

Hey - if I've got to suspend my disbelief, you do too.

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?