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The Column

Here's To the Dancing Guy
10/12/03

Here's to the Dancing Guy. He makes the concert more fun for the rest of us.

You know the one. There's a smallish concert - maybe a few dozen people - and he's the one guy right in front of the stage, dancing as if controlled by the music or perhaps non-prescription drugs.

You can see the fire in his eyes and the rolling papers in his pockets, which is surprising since he should have used them all by now. He's had so many drugs that he's begun to offer them to other people. It's not because he wants to share. Rather he wants other people to feel the music, which he can only do through non-prescription drugs.

Here's to the Drugged Out Dancing Guy.

You know the one. He's dancing with more gusto and non-prescription drugs now, and decides to take his sweatshirt off. Soon after, he realizes that he can also remove his t-shirt. The rest of the crowd collectively prays it stops there.

But he doesn't just remove his shirt. He throws it defiantly at the speakers, knowing he can get it back later since no one else wants to go within fifty feet of him. He points at it a few times as if to say, "bad shirt - you weren't feeling the music. Your punishment is to sit in the corner and watch me have more fun than you." Which is a much better fate than actually being on him.

Here's to the Half-Naked Drugged Out Dancing Guy.

Now that his shirt is wearing the dunce cap next to the speakers, you realize just how big this guy is. But he doesn't. He continues to dance, stomach wobbling over his jeans. And then, the unthinkable happens. He begins to sweat.

Despite being shirtless in fifty-degree weather, he's dancing so hard that he begins sweating. His sweating process is also aided by the facial hair he hasn't trimmed since the other Bush was president.

He grabs a bottle of water from the stage and dumps half of it over his head to cool himself down. But isn't taking something from the stage wrong? Not for him. Because he's the only one who truly feels the music. He and the band have an understanding. And to stop him, they'd have to go within 50 feet of him.

Here's to the Wet Half-Naked Drugged Out Dancing Guy.

Now done pouring some water over himself, he tries to offer the rest of the bottle to other people. It's hard for them to hear the offer, since they're more than 50 feet away. But the offer does not go completely unheard. A large black dog begins barking at the water. (Here's to the Guy That Brings a Large Black Dog to a Concert). But after seeing it in this man's cupped, sweaty hands, even the dog refuses the water. Dogs may drink from the toilet, but they're not stupid.

So the Guy points to the dog, which would make the water he was holding splash on everyone around him, were there anyone around him. The Guy points to the dog as if to say, "That dog refused my water, but he's still cool. You know why? Because he feels the music. And he is also not wearing a shirt."

Here's to the Animal-Loving Wet Half-Naked Drugged Out Dancing Guy.

Once the dog acknowledges The Guy's prayer by hiding behind his master's legs, the Guy turns back to the stage and resumes dancing. Occasionally, he slips on the water he just spilled. He points to the ground defiantly, as if to say, "who put that there? Oh, right, me. I'd have remembered that were it not for the non-prescription drugs. Oooh, colors."

And that's when the guy begins praying. He puts his hands together, bows, and begins pointing at the sky as if to say, "Hey, god, thanks for this music. And that water. And the dog." Then he turns to the dog and bows to him, too, before making a very audible "arf!" in the dog's direction. As if to say, "'God' is ‘dog' backwards, so this dog must also have some magical powers. Man, I'm stoned."

Here's to the Hallucinating Animal-Loving Wet Half-Naked Drugged Out Dancing Guy.

He makes the concert more fun for the rest of us. Because he makes it very easy to start a conversation with the Kind of Shy But Happy to Be There Rocking Slightly to the Music As if Not to Draw Attention To Herself Hot Girl.

"Hey, Kind of Shy But Happy to Be There Rocking Slightly to the Music As if Not to Draw Attention To Herself Hot Girl. Did you see that Hallucinating Animal-Loving Wet Half-Naked Drugged Out Dancing Guy?"

"Why, yes I did! (Time lapse) Hey, want to go back to my place?"

"Sure!"

So here's to you, Dancing Guy. You make the concert more fun for the rest of us.

Arf!

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