Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
9/256/04

Yesterday, I turned 25. I am now a quarter-century old, and closer to 30 than I am to 20. As depressing as that is, I got some good news. I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

Which is well-timed, considering I got into my first accident a few days ago. It wasn't my fault. Someone swerved ahead of me, I stopped to avoid him, and the guy behind me was too close and hit me at about 30 MPH. My neck still hurts, and the inside of my trunk is a bit crumpled, but the guy's insurance is going to take care of it all. He's been 25 for quite some time now.

This is the last birthday that people look forward to, except perhaps 65 because then everything gets cheaper. So is it downhill from here? I hope not. Because if I'm going really fast downhill, I may hit someone else.

I've written about having a 9/11 birthday before – I use the day as a time of contemplation rather than celebration. This year, in addition to contemplating life in general, I'm contemplating getting older. Odd that I didn't do that before, since I have been getting older almost every single year of my life.

I did a few 9/11 benefit shows this weekend. I teamed up with Billy Bingo, a retired firefighter and comedian who does a lot of work for the Thomas Elsasser fund, which raises money for NYC firefighters killed outside the line of duty. I try to devote as much of my birthday as I can to helping anything related to 9/11. The rest of it is devoted to being annoyed when people call and don't remember to wish me a happy birthday. I'm kidding. No one ever calls.

Actually, the past few years, my friends have been wonderful about calling me to see how I'm doing. And the answer is that I'm doing great. Even if my neck hurts a little.

The shows were great as well. The folks at Worcester Polytechnic and Anna Maria College in Paxton (as if knowing it's in Paxton is going to help you know where the school is) were very friendly. After the Anna Maria show, there was a vigil for September 11th. The kids thanked me for coming – which was silly, since they were the ones extending themselves to me. I thanked them for having me. And demanded some cake.

Okay, so I didn't demand cake. But I was offered plenty of food afterwards, when we visited the firehouse in Auburn, Massachusetts. Billy knew a friend of a friend, and they offered us dinner and hospitality. I'd never been in a firehouse before, let alone stayed there. The guys were great and they were very happy to meet a New York firefighter, trading stories about people they saved and people they didn't. I was silent through it; I was both fascinated, and feeling ridiculous for ever complaining about my job.

When I stay at a friend's house and he gets a call at 6AM, I am allowed to complain. But not Friday night. At 6AM, I was woken up by a report of an 80-year-old woman with congestive heart failure that needed medical attention. She lived. Just like I did on the highway last week, and several thousand people did a few years ago when they were evacuated from the World Trade Center before it went down.

There's a lot that I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 25 that I haven't. Mainly because when I set those goals, I was 20 and had a very different view of the life I'm actually leading. But I'm fine with that. I am closer to 30 now. But I have the next five years before that actually happens, and I can use them to keep contemplating and set new goals and find the guy that swerved in front of me and whap him in the back of the head with a wet sock.

I am thankful I made it through that accident pretty okay. There was a fourth car that almost nailed me from the side. So I'm thankful I made it to 25 at all. And I am also thankful that, if that 4th car had hit me, there are people who spend their lives saving ours.

If you'd like to help the Thomas Elsasser fund, you can click on "merchandise" at www.billybingo.net and pick up an FDNY comedy t-shirt.

I just did. I can afford to now that my car insurance payments have gone down.

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?