Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

Jewzapalooza
12/359/05

The old joke is that Jewish people celebrate Christmas by eating Chinese food and going to the movies. But let's be realistic - many of us do that all year.

This morning I chose IHOP over Chinese food, as I didn't think egg drop soup would make the best breakfast. IHOP was thankfully open, a brilliant tactical move on their part. The place was packed - they were one of the only places serving breakfast, thus catering to Jews and people already tired of their family. But IHOP was not quite as packed as The House of Blues the night before. And they don't even have pancakes.

On Christmas Eve, there's not much to do if you're not Christian. Or if you're Christian and tired of your family. So I did what any Jewish guy in Los Angeles would do - I went to a party called "Shmooza Palooza."

Despite a name lamer than a monopod with a bum knee, the event itself wasn't bad. Every Christmas Eve, LA's House of Blues caters to a few thousand Jewish people and a few dozen others who just seem to really like Jewish people. It's just a big ol' party - nothing very Jewish about it except those in attendance. My roommate and I decided to check it out - it was that or watch "It's a Wonderful Life" for the eighth time in case it ends differently.

"Who knew Clarence was Kaizer Soze?!"

My roommate is comedian Adam Hunter, who has appeared in this column before (mainly when we lost his car in a parking garage). One of Adam's best qualities is his ability to say terribly ridiculous things simply to make whoever he is with laugh. Which made waiting in line much more fun.

"What's your name?" one girl asked him.

She was not prepared to hear Adam say he was Peter O'Brien from Kentucky, who relocated to LA as a missionary and was attending the event to do the Lord's Work. The guy at the door was also not prepared when Adam asked if everyone was there to see Bone Thugs & Harmony. Fun times were already being had at the House of Jews.

It was quite a scene. There were the sketchy old guys, many of whom weren't Jewish but were there because where there are short skirts and music, there will always be sketchy old guys. There were girls wearing the short skirts, some entitled to and some not as much. The male equivalent of that was there, too - guys wearing button shirts that didn't seem to button all the way up. It must have been because of all the chest hair in the way. There were roving packs of females hell bent on not talking to any guys until they got drunk, roving packs of males hell bent on getting those girls drunk, and normal people who just wanted to party. In other words, it was like your typical club, only filled with people my mother would want me to end up with. Except the sketchy old guys.

Adam and I had fun dancing, chilling, talking to people, and telling the occasional annoying person we were there Doing The Lord's Work. One person was blathering on and on about how she was a personal trainor, and she was so fit because she practiced what she preached. I replied, "Hey Peter, didn't you used to be a preacher?"

Most importantly, there was no Christmas music at the event. I know that some of you may think you like Christmas music, but the only people who actually like that stuff are the people who make money when it sells.

Think I'm wrong? Then imagine your favorite Christmas song. Now think about the last time you listened to it in May. I bet never. I like Outkast. You know how I know I like Outkast? I listen to them year-round. No one has ever been driving, heard "Holy Night" on the radio, and said, "Awww, yeah, this is my jam!"

Thankfully, the Jewmboree didn't have Hannukah music either. I'm not against Christmas; seasonal music is annoying no matter the season. I like hearing "Monster Mash" on Halloween once. But only once.

It was nice to have at least one place open on Christmas Eve - and a pretty good idea by the promoters. Maybe next year I'll produce a giant comedy show geared towards Jewish people and people who are tired of their family. That way there'd be no sketchy old guys. Unless you count some of the comedians.

Merry everything!

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?