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The Column

Gone in a Flash
11/14/04

Girls - you need to stop flashing people. Put away your breasts. We don't want to see them. It's enough. Stop it.

I'm going to take a lot of heat for writing a column encouraging girls not to flash. Guys will be upset with me. So will lesbians. I even thought of kicking my own butt for a minute there.

I grew up in the late 80s and early 90s, when breasts were not readily available. Even butts were seldom seen, as I distinctly recall my excitement at the episode of NYPD Blue where they showed a naked hooker from behind. Take that, Cop Rock.

Breasts were special. They were new and different and exciting. Now they're everywhere and they're starting to lose their luster. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and I'm able to see them without the help of television, but I think it's because flashing has just become more popular. By the way, my mother reads this column. Thanksgiving is going to be awkward.

Don't get me wrong - I like a good breast glimpse as much as the next guy or lesbian. I often waste a large portion of my day trying to see some cleavage, and am rendered disoriented when there's the slightest hint of cold weather. But things have gone too far. Breasts are just too easy to see.

I'm not talking about the internet, despite spending the better part of the day on it researching this topic. And yes, it was the much better part of the day. I'm talking about public flashers. Public flashing has gotten so ubiquitous that when Janet Jackson showed a breast on the most watched broadcast of the year, many people I knew thought it was "kind of cool." Kind of cool? If that happened while I was growing up, we'd have gone absolutely nuts. Partly because Janet was 15 and playing Charlene on Different Strokes, but we'd have still gone nuts.

My point is that the nation saw Janet Jackson's breast and uttered a collective "seen it before." How depressing is that?

I don't know many women who haven't flashed at some point. I even know a few who have done it on camera. I know women who have flashed for beads at Mardi Gras or at the cajoling of some guys or out of sheer boredom. Twice, I have seen comedy shows destroyed because an audience member flashed. Okay, that's not the whole story - one of the shows was actually ruined when TWO audience members flashed.

It was the first five minutes of the show, and the MC made a comment on how plastic and made up one of the audience members looked. The comedian jokingly asked, "how much did those cost you?" and the woman answered "$6,000" before showing off the finished product. To the crowd's delight and comedian's astonishment, another woman decided to compare her own to see if she got her money's worth. That makes sense - if I got a shiny new car, I'd be showing everyone.

Less than five minutes into the show and there had already been more naked women than comedians. Yes, it was cool. But how do you follow that?

"Wow, those were some breasts, huh? So what's the deal with breast milk?"

And my issue is not with the kind of women who should not be flashing at all (you know who you are). It's with the women who should be flashing but not this often. Sure, seeing a few breasts each morning would make my day. But only at first; the excitement would wear off after a while. Desert is only a treat when it doesn't automatically happen after every meal. If you only have ice cream occasionally, you look forward to it more and you end up healthier.

If you're the type to eat ice cream after every meal, maybe you'll disagree with me. If you're the type to eat ice cream after every meal off of a pair of breasts, you'll really disagree with me.

But, hot women of the world, I'm not asking you to wear turtlenecks. I'm not asking you to wear sports bras. I'm not even asking you to wear bras at all. What I'm asking is for you to keep your shirts on just a bit more often than you do. Then when you finally flash someone, it will be that much more special.

And, if you don't mind, could you please pass the ice cream?

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