Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
8/237/02

It’s 2 AM and I’m staring at my alarm clock. 2:01. 2:02. 2:03. I have to get up in six hours, and all I can think about is how no one ever says anything when tv kids grow five years in one season. I know I’d notice if that happened in my family.

When I don’t have to wake up until noon, I can drift off right away. But when I know that I have less than eight hours, it’s impossible to do anything other than lie there and wonder why I can’t sleep. 2:05. Crap.

There are several stages of “I can’t friggin sleep” (known to most doctors as ICFS). The first is wondering why I’m so awake. I think of all the ways that I could be productive instead of wasting my time laying down. I could do the dishes. I have some email I haven’t gotten to yet. Maybe I can write next week’s column. So I sit up, but I’m too tired to do anything.

Once I’m up, I’m exhausted. I remember how comfortable my bed is. The dishes don’t really need to be done now. And I can barely keep my head up to check my e-mail, let alone write a column. After wasting a few more minutes debating with myself ala Cameron Frye (“He’ll keep calling me…”), I go back to bed. Now it’s 2:15. That was real productive.

I never understood why there are 24 hours in a day. We’ve obviously made some sort of mistake, since we lose a quarter of a day every year. And February having just 28 days is ridiculous. There are seven months with 31 days. Take two of those days and give them to February and then you’ve got five months with 31 and seven months with 30. And rearrange the whole thing so months with 30 days and months with 31 days alternate. Wouldn’t that be easier to remember? These are the things I think about when I’m trying to sleep.

Certainly they had to have noticed Andy on Family Ties. That kid turned seven overnight. How could they miss that? And the Keatons were supposed to be good parents.

The next stage of ICFS is drifting into deep thought for a few minutes at a time. Deep thought patches are the worst because every time you snap out of one, you’re as wide-awake as you were when you started. And it’s frustrating to realize you just wasted four minutes trying to remember who you sat next to in sixth grade.

I sat next to a girl I had a crush on in sixth grade. Which was strange for me because it wasn’t until halfway through sixth grade that I knew I actually liked girls. Maybe I knew it at the beginning of sixth grade, but didn’t admit it until a few months later. 2:29. Crap.

It is now time for my patented head turn. I’ll lie in one position for ten or fifteen minutes, and since it’s not doing anything for me, I figure that turning in the opposite direction is the answer. Hmmm. Now I’m facing the wall instead of my desk. That’s much better.

My biggest problem is that the room is pitch black so I can’t even stare at the ceiling. I tried, but with the lights off it looks just like my desk. Or maybe it is my desk. I don’t even know which way I’m facing anymore.

If I keep my eyes open long enough, they adjust to the light. There’s a little glimmer across the room. Is that my laptop? Maybe the light from my printer? Did I leave my printer on? Man, that’ll show up on my electric bill! Should I get up to turn it off? No, I’m too tired. Maybe if I just turn my head. What was that girl’s name, anyway? 2:47. Ahhhhhh!

When I finally do fall asleep, I won’t be able to wake up. The alarm goes off and I can’t get out of bed. Some mornings, it hurts to wake up. Especially if I forget which way I’m facing.

Little Richie on Family Matters may have been the worst case of tv growth. Not only did he gain ten years in two months, he also hit puberty and started dating. Now there’s a kid who started liking girls before sixth grade. Though he was probably 35 by the time he got there.

I don’t know that I’m reaching the sleep point as it happens, but I slowly fade out of consciousness. This would be wonderful if I knew it was there - I can imagine that if you were conscious of sleep, it would feel wonderful. But I try not to let myself realize I am falling asleep, since the second I’m awake enough to realize anything, I’m too awake to fall asleep anymore. And that’s another ten minutes of tired that I will never get back.

Maybe I should get up and write that column. If I could only find my desk.

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?