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Some Bone on My Body

Dear Joe College,

Hi I am a freshmen at Texas A&M and over this winter brake I have been having a good amount of sex with this one chick back at home. Anyways, one night she was going crazy and she was riding me right, and I guess some bone on her body was like pressed onto some bone on my body right by my wang. Anyways, the next day I wake up and this bone, which is right by my wang, was hurting so badly! Like painful to wear pants badly. Has this ever happened to anyone else? What should I say to her? Man it is so good, but then it hurts! I don't know what to do... I guess I should just take this beerbong or something. Lemme know what to say to her, and how to avoid this painful condition.

Hurts So Good
Friendswood, TX

Dear Captain Cliché,

Crazy sex, huh? Taking a beerbong, huh? Talking about your wang, huh? You want to be any more cliché? Jeez man, at least make your problem a LITTLE believable. I know you’re trying to impress your girlfriend by getting on Joe College, but give me some credit here.

Okay, this is what you say to her:

“You know how we’ve been having wild sex while watching Animal House and eating Ramen Noodles? Well, turns out that our Ramen sex was so good, I actually hurt myself. I can still do most things without pain, like ignoring the reading and avoiding the library. But if you want to have sex with me in the communal shower (make sure you wear shower shoes), it’s going to have to wait a few weeks while I heal. Don’t worry – we can still go to formal together. Even if I did just make you up for the purposes of this email.”

Thanks for writing. This was Joe College saying, “$5 this guy is a squirrelly-looking virgin who hurt himself whacking off.”

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