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Ask Joe College

90% Male

Dear Mr. J. College,

I go to a school that is about 90% male, and slightly more than half the remaining female population resembles the Boston Redsox. The other half are taken, What can I do to get myself a cute girl at school other than drinking till they're all cute?


Dear Mr. Rick R. Rickterstein,

Those demographics sound like an engineering or aeronautics school. WPI, Kettering, Embry Riddle – those schools all have similar demographics. But let me go over the numbers so I make sure I’ve got them right. 90% of your school is guys. 5% is girls that are taken. The remaining 5.5% look like the Boston Red Sox. Not a math guy, are you? Maybe it’s not an engineering school after all.

No, about this Boston Red Sox thing. Are we talking Nomar Garciaparra or Rich Garces? Because Rich Garces is a big fat guy, but Nomar is engaged to Mia Hamm, and the thought of a girl from my school and Mia Hamm is pretty cool. Though if she did that crazy batting glove thing in bed, I’d get pretty annoyed.

I never understood how drinking could make ugly girls cute. Drinking increases someone’s attractiveness by about two on a scale of one to ten. So while alcohol will make a 5 desirable, all the beer in the world can’t help a girl that looks like Rich Garces. And should you decide to go the alcohol route, make sure you’ve got a keg next to the bed. Because you don’t want to sober up to a middle reliever.

Oh yeah, I forgot to give you advice on how to get cute girls at school: transfer.

Thanks for writing. This was Joe College saying, “The girls at your school suck at baseball.”

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