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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

1973
By Steve Hofstetter
Saturday, 5/27/95

Dr. Manuel Conyotoro was not permitted to say anything; the government was keeping him quiet. In fact, he was the loudest man ever to be kept quiet.

"Why can't we just tell him?"

"Tell who?", answered the blank faced service agent.

"Mr. Johnson"

"Who's Mr. Johnson?

"Mike Johnson, the President!"

"What about him?"

"Why can't we just tell him?"

"Tell him what?"

"That he's been in a coma for the past twenty-two years, and it's now 1995!"

"Tell who it's 1995?"

Conyotoro was obviously getting nowhere, but since he had no where particular to go, it was just fine with him. The one problem was that the greatest president America ever had was now in a dream world, and there was no way to snap him out of it, without killing him. The original plan was to kill Johnson, but since it was botched so many years ago, they figured they may as well let him live. After all, it was the least they could do as respected members of the Russian Government.

Everyone knew about it but Johnson himself, and it was mass publicized that as soon as he gets out of his coma, for everyone to play along with the fact that was still 1973. The media just wouldn't let disco die.

"Good morning, Pete"

"Good morning Mr. Johnson. Uh, and it's Joe.

"What happened to my Secretary of State, Pete Davis?"

"He died two...Uh, He went on vacation, remember Mr. Johnson?

"Oh yeah, to England. Are you filling in?"

"Yes, I'm off to Germany in two weeks."

"Germany? Are you crazy? How are you going to get past the Berlin wall?"

"Berlin wall? Oh...um yeah. The wall. I'll do fine. Bye sir."

It was hell. The idea to pretend that it was still 1973 was almost as bad as it actually being 1973. As the hoax went on, people began incorporating on it. Polyester flowed as freely as bad music, and the A's became a winning ball club once again. It was hell.

Dr. Conyotoro was baffled.

"So you're saying I saved his life by pulling him out of the coma, but if he finds out he was in a coma, the shock will put him into a coma?"

"Yes"

"So why the hell did I save his life?"

"So he wouldn't be in a coma"

"But if I tell him I saved his life, I'll put him into a coma."

"Yes"

"And I'll have to save him again!"

"Yes"

"So why did I save him?"

"So he wouldn't be in a coma"

"Got it"

In 1973, Johnson had made a pact with the U.S.S.R. that they would both do away with all major weapons. Unfortunately, then Soviet leader, Piotr Yeltzkachev decided that the only way to back out of the deal was to have Johnson murdered. Hitting him over the head with a shovel didn't quite do the trick, but Johnson did eventually lapse into a coma, which eventually lasted twenty-two years, which he was eventually told lasted two days, and eventually wound up to lead to perhaps the dumbest plan ever hatched by relatively smart men. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a brain surgeon.

Johnson picked up the paper.

"What's an IBM PC, John?"

"Oh, they came out...yesterday, while you were in the coma."

"A machine that is smarter than a human, that small, produced in one day?"

"Don't be silly, Mr. Johnson. It's been in the works for...a while now. You just haven't seen the articles."

"You're probably right, John. Everything seems so different. I guess two days of sleep can do that to a person's memory. However, isn't it strange that the world picked the two days I happen to be in a coma to create so many new things?"

"Uh, yeah, sure, that's it. Bye, sir.", The speaker of the House, John Smith, hurried out of the room, confused. Johnson was even more so.

Johnson finally settled down on his couch and leaned back.

"I know what will relax me", said Johnson, "a nice half hour of Happy Days."

As he turned on the T.V., Johnson was baffled. What was the little black squarish thing with all the numbers printed on it? Where did all his favorite shows go? What was this shit on ABC that they called "Full House"? Johnson had been noticing changes in the world, but hell, there were news briefs with countries he had never even heard of! He quickly ran out of the White House with one single thought, "I'm going insane." After he got three feet out of the door he stopped dead in his tracks, and realized he was. He saw a cherry red Lamborghini Diablo, which to him resembled a foreign spacecraft. He took one step toward it, slumped over and hit the ground. He had fainted from the shock of the world changing so much in two days, and lapsed into a coma. If he had been in a coma for, say, 22 years, then all the changes were understandable, but all that in two days? Conyotoro was right; the idea to pretend it was 1973 was almost as dumb as the new Saturday Night Live, and the world had almost lost twenty two years in the process. However, the world slowly reverted back to the proper date. Kids could once again were jeans that didn't ring, and disco was dead, again. The Mets were losing, and so were the Met fans. The world was back to normal, or at least comparatively.

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)