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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

Bad Day
By Steve Hofstetter
1999

I had a really bad day today.
I’m not talking about the “I got up on the wrong side of the bed” day.
I’m talking about the “I fell out of bed and landed on some forks that were carelessly strewn about the floor” day.
I ran out of milk for breakfast.
My shirt was wrinkled.
And all the showers had only cold water.
Like I said, it was a bad day.
I answered a question on a midterm with “You tell me.”
I missed a class for the first time, to which the teacher responded “You’re always cutting.”
And I lost 22 points for spelling on a listening comprehension test.
It was most certainly a bad day.
A wrong number woke me up at 9:00 in the morning.
And again at 9:03.
And I bet my eggs would have been runny if I had a clean pan to cook them in.
Yes, I had a bad day.
And my cab driver tried to go the wrong way down a one-way street.
Now I’m not saying I know how to be a cab driver
But I’m pretty sure he gets paid to know this stuff.
But it was all part of my bad day.
And now, I have to sit on a bus for five hours
Because I missed the express by 20 minutes
Thanks to my teacher (who took off 22 points for spelling on a listening comprehension test).
I think this is a bad day.
I’m really bored right now.
And I have that weird feeling in my stomach from reading on the bus (which I’d do more of but I accidentally put my books in the luggage-checker).
And it’s still 2 hours until I get to see you.
Wait--I get to see you.
This is a really good day.

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)