My child, is it true
You’re attracted to boys?
Then it’s time to grow up!
Time to pack up your toys!
Your mother just spoke
Of the boy you are thinking.
Pretty soon you’ll be out
All night, smoking and drinking.
Dad will help you prepare
For your very first date
Be fashionable
Which means show up late.
Tell him you admire
The sores on his lips
The bump on his nose
And the width of his hips.
Don’t pay for your movie.
Don’t pay for your meal.
Complain constantly
About how you feel.
Discard “please” and “thank you.”
Use the phrase “I’m the best!”
And when he’s not looking
Tear holes in his vest.
Arrange all his meatballs
In some sort of troop
Then ski jump the big ones
Right into his soup.
And as you part ways,
Just in case he’s adoring,
Remember to tell him
That he’s dumb and boring.
You’ll be the true envy
Of each girl at school.
The Queen of Aloof;
The Princess of Cool
But in case he rejects you,
And you’re sad and alone,
Your mother and I
Will be waiting at home.