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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

Daddy’s Little Girl
By Steve Hofstetter
Tuesday, 2/5/02

My child, is it true
You’re attracted to boys?
Then it’s time to grow up!
Time to pack up your toys!
Your mother just spoke
Of the boy you are thinking.
Pretty soon you’ll be out
All night, smoking and drinking.
Dad will help you prepare
For your very first date
Be fashionable
Which means show up late.
Tell him you admire
The sores on his lips
The bump on his nose
And the width of his hips.
Don’t pay for your movie.
Don’t pay for your meal.
Complain constantly
About how you feel.
Discard “please” and “thank you.”
Use the phrase “I’m the best!”
And when he’s not looking
Tear holes in his vest.
Arrange all his meatballs
In some sort of troop
Then ski jump the big ones
Right into his soup.
And as you part ways,
Just in case he’s adoring,
Remember to tell him
That he’s dumb and boring.
You’ll be the true envy
Of each girl at school.
The Queen of Aloof;
The Princess of Cool
But in case he rejects you,
And you’re sad and alone,
Your mother and I
Will be waiting at home.

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)