See when Steve will be near you!


Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

By Steve Hofstetter
Wednesday, 10/10/01

“He said he wants me.”

“He what?”

“He wants me.”

“Who doesn’t?”

Jason had made a good point. It seemed that everyone was always after Kate. In fact, he had spent the majority of his freshman year in just such circumstances. But he was passed it now, and his job, as the resident asshole guy friend, was to approve or disapprove of her potential boyfriends, hookups, and other such relationships that were always less intent than the supposedly strictly platonic one he already had with her. And it was time to go to work.

Jason was being called on to approve, of all things, another guy named Jason. And Jason Part II was hard not to approve. He stood 6’5”, always dressed like he was in a Gap commercial, and had the kind of black spiky hair that you can only get if you take a picture of Simon Rex to your barber. Jason I didn’t know if Jason II played lacrosse or rowed crew or did some other such sport reserved for guys from the suburbs with visors. But he did know that Jason II was cut, because II would run around the library quad without a shirt playing ultimate or football or other such sports reserved for guys from the suburbs with tight abs.

Jason I didn’t know whether or not Jason II was funny in general or just funny when he got his audience drunk enough. The only quality time the Jasons spent together was the first night Kate had met the new guy.

“Do you study history at all?,” Jason II had asked.

“Sure,” Kate replied.

“Then tell me this,” Jason II said. “If the Hollywood Ten were really communists, why didn’t they all make the same number of movies?”

Jason couldn’t help but laugh thinking about it. It was good line. The kind of line you remember well enough to use when you go to a bar outside the neighborhood and pass it off as your own. Jason II was everything Jason I had been trying to convince Kate that he was for the last three years. And he wanted her.

“Who doesn’t?,” Jason I asked.

“Come on,” Kate said. “Should I go out with this guy? You’re supposed to help me with this stuff.”

“Okay,” Jason I said. “You two would be great together. You should really give Jason a chance.”

And boy, did he mean it.

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)