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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

Botanical Gardens
By Steve Hofstetter
Wednesday, 2/6/02

Bride and groom. Bride and groom in the same place. Bride and groom in the same place at the same time. And they look happy. They look so happy, and peaceful, and hopeful for the future. Look at his eyes. He can’t see what she’s really thinking. He can’t see if she’ll leave him. If she’ll meet someone else and decide he’s not good enough anymore. Sure, they’re happy now. They won’t be. The photographer moves them in to frame. No, to the left. A little more. Just under the “Botanical Gardens” sign. That’s it. Take the picture, kid. Take it, and give it to them to put in a little wooden frame so that they can keep it forever. Yeah, get some flowers in there, too. Some of those red ones. Sure, she’s holding them gently now. But they’ll die soon. I need to sit down.

The same bench I sat down on when we planned the whole thing. The same bench I cried on when she left. The same bench I’m crying on now. My hands are shaking. They’re wet with tears, and gravel-stained, but I still use them to wipe my face. This place should be beautiful. It should be brimming with life. But it is ugly. The trees are wilting. This bench is cold and hard. And that gazebo - that damned gazebo - it’s not inviting at all. It could swallow them whole and they don’t even know it. Run. Run, for god sakes, run. But he’s already said yes. He’s told her that he loves her, and she said it back. And they’re taking pictures to prove it. I have no pictures. I have no proof. I have gravel-stained hands and a dirty tuxedo that I pulled out of the dumpster behind my apartment. Maybe this is my proof. Me on this bench and them over there taking pictures is my proof. I need to leave.

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)