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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

Right of Way
By Steve Hofstetter
Thursday, 1/17/02

12 Houston St. 5th Floor
New York, NY 10375

Terry Taylor
Director of Facilities, Right University
1 University Way
New York, NY 18273

Dear Mr. Taylor,

I’m told that one-hundred and fifty years ago this coming July, our ancestors killed a lot of left-handed people. Wiped them out, really - great story, I’m sure you’ve all heard it by now. Now I’m no historian, but I know that you’re asking to develop some sort of memorial to the soldiers who died giving their lives to eliminate the leftie problem.

I envision I giant stone structure in the middle of Borman Plaza of Right University. The structure, from afar, would look like a giant “R,” visible from as far away as the north end of campus, as well as from any passing airplane. Upon closer inspection, however, passersby would see that the “R” is made up of carved replicas of the dead lefties. Besides the “R” would be a plaque that explained the details of the battle. Around the plaza, on the bottom half, we’d carve the University motto “Right Makes Might” in a semi-circle. Overseeing the project would be the city’s foremost Right-Handed Rights historian, RU professor Jason Lefkowitz.

I understand that you are looking at a number of options, but I can assure you that JTC Construction and Memorabilia will take the utmost care that this projects honors the families of those who gave their lives to make sure that we would no longer waste society’s time producing left-handed products. And along those lines, we will also offer an optional “Left-Handed Product” display, to be kept at the Metropolitan Museum of Art during the winter months (Attributed to Right University, of course). This display would feature everything from lefty scissors to lefty baseball gloves to the rare lefty guitar. And though it would raise the cost quite a bit, it is even possible for us to get you the left arm of Brigadier General Thomas Van Horn, still clutching the lefty rifle that misfired, killing his entire platoon. Currently, Van Horn is located in our storehouse on 52nd street, and we wouldn’t mind finding him a more profitable home.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Garth E.T. Bently
Director of Projects Management
Just the Cash Construction and Memorabilia, Incorporated

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)