By Steve Hofstetter
You think there are other fish in the sea? You think there are other fish? Well letâ€™s see just how many fish there are. There are about 5 billion fish in the sea, Iâ€™ll give you that. Discount all of the fish that donâ€™t live in this country, and Iâ€™m still left with about 300 million. Pretty good odds. Well, ignore the fish who donâ€™t live in this state, because I refuse to date someone via phone. Skip the fish who donâ€™t live this city because I donâ€™t have a car, and Iâ€™m not riding the subway for an hour and a half each way just to get some. I can still choose from about one and a half million fish. Still very strong odds. But take away all of the non-Jewish fish, because, quite frankly, Iâ€™m not looking to get kicked out of my family. Then, take away all of the male fish, because thatâ€™s just not my style. Not that thereâ€™s anything wrong with that. So that leaves me with 375,000. Now hereâ€™s the important part. Eliminate anyone older than 25 and younger than 18, and Iâ€™m down to only 3,000. Take away every one 23 to 25 who wonâ€™t date someone younger, everyone 18 to 21 who wonâ€™t date someone older, and everyone who is 22 but is looking for someone older or younger, and now there are only 1500. Once again, take away everyone who is attached, and take away all the college students who are about to graduate and leave town, and youâ€™re probably only left with 600. Figure Iâ€™ll only be attracted to about half of those, and only half of those will be attracted to me. 150 fish left. Now, of the 150 single, Jewish 18-25-year-old girls who live in accessible neighborhoods in Manhattan and who Iâ€™m attracted to and are attracted to me, according to figures, twenty percent of them are probably so observantly orthodox that they wonâ€™t date someone whoâ€™s a conservative Jew, and another 50% are scared off by people who are as observant as I am. Iâ€™m left with 45. Figure another 20% of those canâ€™t stand sports, and Iâ€™m down to 36. Take away the ten percent plus that donâ€™t date guys, not that thereâ€™s anything wrong with that, and the 60 percent who â€œarenâ€™t ready for a commitmentâ€ - because more than half of everyone this age is no where near ready for a commitment - and itâ€™s down to 11. Factor in one or two who arenâ€™t all that fun, a few who party way too much, and a couple of girls who just â€œneed to find themselves,â€ and Iâ€™m now down to two. Out of the 5 billion fish in the sea, I have mathematically eliminated all but two. Well one of them is my sister, and the other just dumped me. Other fish, my ass.