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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

Girlfriend
By Steve Hofstetter
2002

You think there are other fish in the sea? You think there are other fish? Well let’s see just how many fish there are. There are about 5 billion fish in the sea, I’ll give you that. Discount all of the fish that don’t live in this country, and I’m still left with about 300 million. Pretty good odds. Well, ignore the fish who don’t live in this state, because I refuse to date someone via phone. Skip the fish who don’t live this city because I don’t have a car, and I’m not riding the subway for an hour and a half each way just to get some. I can still choose from about one and a half million fish. Still very strong odds. But take away all of the non-Jewish fish, because, quite frankly, I’m not looking to get kicked out of my family. Then, take away all of the male fish, because that’s just not my style. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So that leaves me with 375,000. Now here’s the important part. Eliminate anyone older than 25 and younger than 18, and I’m down to only 3,000. Take away every one 23 to 25 who won’t date someone younger, everyone 18 to 21 who won’t date someone older, and everyone who is 22 but is looking for someone older or younger, and now there are only 1500. Once again, take away everyone who is attached, and take away all the college students who are about to graduate and leave town, and you’re probably only left with 600. Figure I’ll only be attracted to about half of those, and only half of those will be attracted to me. 150 fish left. Now, of the 150 single, Jewish 18-25-year-old girls who live in accessible neighborhoods in Manhattan and who I’m attracted to and are attracted to me, according to figures, twenty percent of them are probably so observantly orthodox that they won’t date someone who’s a conservative Jew, and another 50% are scared off by people who are as observant as I am. I’m left with 45. Figure another 20% of those can’t stand sports, and I’m down to 36. Take away the ten percent plus that don’t date guys, not that there’s anything wrong with that, and the 60 percent who “aren’t ready for a commitment” - because more than half of everyone this age is no where near ready for a commitment - and it’s down to 11. Factor in one or two who aren’t all that fun, a few who party way too much, and a couple of girls who just “need to find themselves,” and I’m now down to two. Out of the 5 billion fish in the sea, I have mathematically eliminated all but two. Well one of them is my sister, and the other just dumped me. Other fish, my ass.

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)