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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker
By Steve Hofstetter
Friday, 3/8/02

JERRY: Hi, and welcome to another edition of “Wit or Without.” I’m your host, Jerry Seinfeld, and I’ll be speaking today with John Rocker, the controversial relief pitcher for the Texas Rangers. How are you, John?

JOHN: Good, thank you.

JERRY: Alright then, let’s get right down to it. What do you think of foreign people?

JOHN: See, Jerry, that’s just like the media to do. I say one thing and you harp on it forever.

JERRY: Hey, I’m just curious. You’ve told us what you think of immigrants, but honestly - what about the Amish?

JOHN: Who are the Amish?

JERRY: You know - they wear black, don’t use electricity, churn butter

JOHN: Churn butter? That’s weird. What country are they from?

JERRY: Pennsylvania.

JOHN: Hmm.

JERRY: So you’re pitching for Texas now. That clubhouse is half Hispanic. Then you’ve got Chan Ho Park on one side of your locker and Hideki Irabu on the other. Who names their kid Hideki, anyway? So you’ve got this giantly ethnic clubhouse and then they sign the angriest black man in America. How is that all going to work for you, since you only like white people?

JOHN: Again with that. It was one article, two years ago. Can’t you just let it die? What do you have to gain from ruining my life?

JERRY: I’m just trying to help this kid with his fiction assignment.

JOHN: Yeah, me too, but I don’t think you need to brate me.

JERRY: Berate?

JOHN: Yeah.

JERRY: Okay. So tell me why you’re not racist, then.

JOHN: See, everyone calls me racist, but they should know I have plenty of black friends. Once, I played at this golf club and even let a black kid caddy the whole day. And my mechanic, Chang somethingorother. Would a racist guy let a chang fix his car?

JERRY: You must be very proud.

JOHN: I am. I think I’ve shown the jackals in the media how tolerant I am. You know my lawyer is Jewish? Maybe you know him?

JERRY: Sorry, I missed the last meeting.

JOHN: What meeting?

JERRY: Yeah. Goodnight everybody.

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)