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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

The Cave-in
By Steve Hofstetter
Tuesday, 1/2/96

Once upon a school night dreary while I lie there weak and weary
Under many a blanket, sheet and cover, one arm resting on the floor
While I proceeded with my napping, suddenly there came a tapping
An incessant, droning tapping, tapping at my bedroom door
Tis my mother trying to wake me, tapping at my bedroom door
So I yelled "Five minutes more"

To leave my bed, I was refusing, So I went on with my snoozing
I was lazier than Susan, Til I read "6:34"
Well now I was in trouble, So I got up, on the double
And I pushed right through the rubble that I used to call my floor
I foraged through the mess, till I reached my bathroom door
I had 6 minutes, nothing more

So across the floor I'm creeping, cause my brother still was sleeping
But my radio was beeping, and blasting 104
The snooze bar I'd been hitting, but now I just was sitting
On the toilet on the other side of my locked bathroom door
So I just kept right on sitting just beyond my bathroom door
By now: minutes, I had four

So as fast as Scottie beams up, I quickly pulled my jeans up
And ran (It's now he cleans up all the mess he'd left before)
It turned out my yelling mother hadn't woken up my brother
But I did, and so my brother rammed my head into the floor
I turned to him and said "Your forgiveness I implore"
He just laughed and nothing more

By now I had been pissed off, I yelled "Adam take your fist off
Of my head which shouldn't twist off the way you've done before."
This would typically goad him, But I kicked him in his scrotum
Left him lying on my modem, which I'd left upon the floor
I then looked at my watch which read 6:44
I was up and out the door

See normally I'd be tired, But my pilot light was fired
Cause last night I had been wired on jolt cola and some smores
See, yesterday in class I was sitting on my ass
Just helping time to pass by staring out the door
I wasn't paying attention, I had heard the poem before
So I'm staring out the door

Well, according to Ori, we had to write a story
A sort of allegory, with a bit of ancient lore
So the homework I'm requiting by sitting here and writing
A poem of people fighting, and looking out the door
I wound up staying up late, well past three or four
Which is why I am so sore

So on the F I'm sitting, when a man who wasn't fitting
Said, "Hey, you must be kidding, there's room yet, through this door"
Well, maybe for a flounder, but a thirteen hundred pounder?
And this man, see he was rounder, than anyone before
Why must he keep pushing, he's holding up the door.
By now: 7:24

So later it was getting, and by now I am betting
That this fatty wasn't letting anybody through the door
So the door closed on his belly, and it wobbled just like jelly
He had just cleaned out a Deli and was going back for more
This man had made me late, him I truly did abhor
It was 7:34

So a tantrum I was throwing, all the while never knowing
That we finally started going, so my feet slipped off the floor
I landed on a fellow, who'd normally be yellow
But since he thought I was mellow, he said "Hey shmuck, up yours"
I promptly rose and turned, and shoved him to the door
Now 7:44

Well his feather's were all ruffled so we got into a scuffle
And soon his voice was muffled by the thickness of the floor
Well it looked like I was winning, so I continued pinning
But to interrupt my grinning came a yell from off the floor
I stared at him and then I yelled "Hey you want some more?"
It was 7:54

The cops at the next station said the sentence I'd be facing
Was a life filled with probation and need for good rapport
So I told them of my lateness, put my sentence on hiatus
Promptly became weightless, and floated off the floor
I had to get to school, so I flew right out the door
The time was 8:04

Well no one had abided to the to the train cops before I did
Just in case, I still decided to levitate some more
So uptown I am flying, all the while heavy sighing
But I'm really really trying to make it through the door
I must at all cost make it, travel through that door
8:15 or before

Well I'm finally arriving at what story I'm contriving
To help with my conniving to enter through that door
But I just keep right on thinking, horns are loud, and lights are blinking
And suddenly I'm sinking toward the street named 94
I must, I have to, need to, enter through that door
To avoid the certain gore

Well the view up there was stunning, but now I just kept running,
Cause the principal is gunning for my ass, and nothing more
My dark future is now looming, o'er my head, I am assuming
And with every step I'm dooming me to worse fate than before
I'm almost there. I think I can just make it through that door!
8:16, and not before

Well I walked up to a teacher, out of breath, I just could reach her
But this bad, conniving creature said that I had lost the war
All my plan's they're undermining, and I'm told there's no use whining
For it's me that they're confining, just like all who're late before
In the Social studies classroom that is 324
I shall get up nevermore.

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)