Embarrassingly Old Work: Shorts: Right of Way – From 2002

12 Houston St. 5th Floor
New York, NY 10375

Terry Taylor
Director of Facilities, Right University
1 University Way
New York, NY 18273

Dear Mr. Taylor,

I’m told that one-hundred and fifty years ago this coming July, our ancestors killed a lot of left-handed people. Wiped them out, really – great story, I’m sure you’ve all heard it by now. Now I’m no historian, but I know that you’re asking to develop some sort of memorial to the soldiers who died giving their lives to eliminate the leftie problem.

I envision I giant stone structure in the middle of Borman Plaza of Right University. The structure, from afar, would look like a giant “R,” visible from as far away as the north end of campus, as well as from any passing airplane. Upon closer inspection, however, passersby would see that the “R” is made up of carved replicas of the dead lefties. Besides the “R” would be a plaque that explained the details of the battle. Around the plaza, on the bottom half, we’d carve the University motto “Right Makes Might” in a semi-circle. Overseeing the project would be the city’s foremost Right-Handed Rights historian, RU professor Jason Lefkowitz.

I understand that you are looking at a number of options, but I can assure you that JTC Construction and Memorabilia will take the utmost care that this projects honors the families of those who gave their lives to make sure that we would no longer waste society’s time producing left-handed products. And along those lines, we will also offer an optional “Left-Handed Product” display, to be kept at the Metropolitan Museum of Art during the winter months (Attributed to Right University, of course). This display would feature everything from lefty scissors to lefty baseball gloves to the rare lefty guitar. And though it would raise the cost quite a bit, it is even possible for us to get you the left arm of Brigadier General Thomas Van Horn, still clutching the lefty rifle that misfired, killing his entire platoon. Currently, Van Horn is located in our storehouse on 52nd street, and we wouldn’t mind finding him a more profitable home.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Garth E.T. Bently
Director of Projects Management
Just the Cash Construction and Memorabilia, Incorporated

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